The Cup Is Already Broken

My dedication to self-care thing has hit a bump in the road.

I went to this massage therapist several times, decided that I felt comfortable with her and figured that I should do the practical thing and get a package. You're familiar with massage packages, right? Typically you buy a certain amount of massages up front and get the, say, sixth one free or at a discount.

As soon as I bought the package, the massage therapist stopped being responsive to emails. She would answer one email then not the next. I completely understand if someone is busy but to not respond is just foul. I thought about venting on Yahoo Reviews, Yelp or Twitter but I really didn't want to take that route.

When I've seen the therapist, she's been professional (for the most part) and personable. I also sensed that she is a hustler which is not an entirely negative thing in my mind.

I think it's safe to say that I have been a fighter -- often in defensive stance but, as Tina Turner sings, I don't really want fight no more.

Having said that, I still feel like Bernie Mac in that Secrets and Lies episode of The Bernie Mac Show -- I want to be unpunkable:

Yeah, I know what you did, Jordan.
I know it was you.
It was you that cut down that cherry tree.
Jordan, you're trying to punk me.
I'm going to let you know I'm unpunkable, okay? (3:00)*

When I didn't hear from the massage therapist a second time in a six week span, I was thinking that she is going to make me do something that I don't want to do and that's going to cost me more money.

I drafted a letter noting my frustration and stating a request for the return of my money. I shortened it -- made it less harsh because, really, I don't want to fight. The email is in my drafts and I was going to send it in a few days but I felt like just drafting the email signaled the end of the relationship. I don't get rid of annoyance easily and I certainly wouldn't want the person who is annoying me to touch me.

Of course, I hear from the massage therapist before I send the email. There was a part of me hoping that she wouldn't respond because I don't want to deal with her anymore -- knowing that she might respond when and if she feels like it in the future.

So, okay, what kind of lesson am I supposed to learn from this experience?

Patience? Understanding?

I remember this story that was in Prevention. Geneen Roth goes on a meditation retreat; the teacher holds up his favorite cup and says As far as I'm concerned, this cup is already broken.

I also remember something that Hazira said to me years ago when a friend properly broke my heart. You can enjoy your friends without them being perfect. This concept is a hard one for a perfectionist to swallow. Or, it's a hard pill for a purist, as Patti likes to call me, to swallow.

I don't try to be a perfectionist but I'm a Virgo:

You are bashful, but you have all the necessary wiles and weapons, including a determination to pursue happiness. You seek romance, and commitment is an integral part of it. If you are in love, you go to any lengths to make sure it works. On the flip side, if you are in an unhappy relationship, you will snap the cords with ease.

You can be deadly practical and divinely romantic at the same time. You are a perfectionist, but not perfect yourself. You have your negative traits. You can be sickeningly prompt, and think that you are the best critic in the world.

I also think about Alice Walker's The Same River Twice where she responds to critics of The Color Purple. It sticks with me how Walker says that the character, Mr., even though he's an abuser, that his love for Shug Avery redeems him as a human being.

I used to actively look for that redeeming quality in people. But now?

I returned the therapist's last email and I'm waiting to hear from her again...





*The whole unpunkable thing starts when Bernie Mac has Jordan fake an asthma attack so that they can go to a Clippers game (to see Michael Jordan before he retires) then Jordan uses the secrecy surrounding the fake attack to get away with many things.

‘Drea Minus 60 (Allowances Included)

It took me two years plus six and half months to do it but I finally reached my 60 pound weight loss goal.

My aunt Al, cousin and I were sitting around talking about weight loss. My cousin has recently gotten back in the gym and wants to lose a significant amount of weight to which my Aunt Al said, If I lost 50 pounds, I wouldn’t tell anyone.

At first, I thought it was the usual tactic of not airing one’s dirty laundry but I see my Aunt Al’s point of view.

Sixty pounds is a lot and it signals excess but I’m glad that I’m letting the excess skeleton out of the closet.

When the Bernie Madoff scandal hit, there was a great deal of commentary but only one essay, Geneen Roth’s I was fleeced by Madoff stuck with me.


In the essay, Roth talks about how 30 years of retirement savings went down the drain. She also talks about her decision to be a waitress and maid in order to buy time to write poetry.

Over and over again, I've asked myself: Why didn't I secure the most basic of all things -- shelter itself? Why didn't I pay off my mortgage? And if I don't engage in blame, I see the answer clearly: because I believed in something else more -- I believed in accumulating. And when you believe in accumulating, you see what you don't have, not what you have. My relationship to money was no different from my relationship to food, to love, to fabulous sweaters: I never felt as if I had enough. I was always focused on the bite that was yet to come, not the one in my mouth. I was focused on the way my husband wasn't perfect, not the way he was. And on the sweater I saw in the window, not the one in my closet that I hadn't worn for a year.

Roth’s essay moved me in so many ways but it was also a reminder not to excessively consume food or worry.

In trying to reach my 60 pound milestone during the past two months, I became aggravated because the scale would head north then south then north -- always one pound or two shy of 60. I couldn’t believe my tactics of exercising longer and drinking more water weren’t working. I knew that I had more weight to lose. So, why wasn’t it coming off? In addition, I was literally counting what I was putting in my mouth while making allowances for my recurrent snacking.

What I lost sight of in the last few months was the fact that I’m in great shape. I can tell by my 40 minute stints on the StairMaster. Before, I had to stop the machine and, now, I don’t need to take a break. I’m swimming more laps and I’m better at rock climbing.

I forgot that my body works superbly and has supported me with the excess weight and it has supported me as I’ve gone through the process of shedding the excess weight too. I have practically been on a non-stop regimen for over 800 days.

I forgot about the simple joy of being in motion and reacquainting myself with the athlete that I left behind so long ago.

I was also reminded to be grateful by several bloggers’ Love Your Body Day posts:

FAT!Fat!FAT!—it’s all talk

Exposed: Why I Love My Body

Hopefully, as I continue this journey, I won’t lose sight of the fact that I feel healthier and I’m in a good place – even when the scale is teetering back and forth.