The Gospel According to My Grandmother

There's no way to explain the unconditionalness of it all when it came to my grandmother. She was very sweet to me but she could also be very feisty. Some of her kids would chide me for not jumping into the fray when my g'ma got extremely riled up. I told them: you all don't understand; grandma is a heavyweight champion and you all are just featherweights who don't stand a chance.

My grandmother doing one of her favorite activities. She loved her some bluegills...


The gospel:

It's so quiet in here that you can hear a mouse pee on cotton.

People need to think twice and speak once.

I'm the mama!

Just wait a cotton-pickin' minute.

I stopped by the schoolhouse door.

Something that my grandmother would say when she thought her opinion was not being valued.

You've got the cow by the tail.

There goes the cowbell again.

Anytime the phone would ring frequently which was often at her house.

You'd wear the horns off a billy goat.

To anyone who was bothersome.

You're going to catch pneumonia in the ass...

If my grandmother thought someone was underdressed.

If you want to get me something, give me a little piece of money. I don't want anymore whatnots, they're just dust catchers.

Do you want to be buried or cremated?

Me: Cremated.

Grandma: No, you don't!

Now, you have to eat something...

My grandmother when I became more selective about what I ate.

I'm sure that it was nothing that you couldn't handle.

My grandmother's commentary after I told her about how rough my week had been.