Tuesday, October 17, 2017


Went to visit my cousin and was taken aback to see Halloween lights. My aunt used to decorate for all occasions -- Valentine's Day, the Fourth of July etc.

When I walked into the house, told my cousin that I wasn't expecting the decorations and she said that she wasn't either. Another cousin had put them up.

I took a deep breath.

It was kind of nice to see the lights and to carry on with one of my aunt's traditions...

Went swimming tonight and was surprised to see Chatty Kathleen who I hadn't see in over four months. She asked me if I knew who was at the pool and she pointed to her granddaughter. I was shocked because I remember her grandchild when she was three or four and now she's ten; time flies, for real.

I purposely stayed in the pool about 15 minutes after I saw CK get out because I know that she takes a while to get ready. Nice try because she was still in the shower when I got there and we ended up walking out of the locker room at the same time. Her granddaughter was staying by her side and also rolling and carrying a bag. At one point, CK stopped to rest since her back was bothering her and, somehow, I had forgotten about the intensity of her back issues. I felt ashamed that I had been slightly annoyed about shower issues.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

S Is For...

Trying to squash this subtle panicky feeling that I have on Saturday night that I didn't get enough done and that I will never be able to make a dent in my to-do list. There's also the dread of getting a step closer to Monday but it's hard to complain when I spent almost two hours on the Riverfront Trail. It's a wonder that I even made it to the trail because I didn't get out of bed until after nine and I pushed myself to get out of said bed then.

Tried to connect with one my uncles about biking but he was slow to respond. Thought about going to an 11:00 a.m. Zumba class but that "deadline" came and went so I decided that I had to take advantage of this 88 degree day so I managed to get stuff out of my car, take the wheel off my bike and head downtown even though I wasn't totally feeling it. Set a goal of 10 miles plus decided to explore the new part of the trail that goes by the Arch. It's really nice but I miss the steps that used to be under the Arch but I will say that the new ramp-like construction makes it more accessible for people who wouldn't be able to deal with steps.

I saw a little snake and a big snake and I saw a beaver! Tried to get a picture of the beaver but he wasn't having it...

Closer look with zoom...
Went and got a lot of books from the library and, this evening, I've been looking through Hungry Girl's cookbook. Wow, she likes Laughing Cow cheese and tofu noodles a lot.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017


The Bowls
One of my colleagues told me about this sound meditation event and I decided to go even though it was the same night as open swim night.

I also had my doubts about sound meditation even though that episode of My Cat From Hell  -- the one with the tuning forks practitioner -- sticks with me. I also know that alternative therapies, like Reiki and Healing Touch, have helped me so I try to keep my mind open.

There were about 20 adults present and we all got cozy.  The sound of the crystal singing bowls sounded a bit trippy but I can't believe how fast the hour went by.

My Space
I slept very well last night and then...today I said something to my colleague that I should not have said. I made the comment after she kept chomping on some very crispy potato chips or something. I guess that I was already in sensory overload mode.

Even thought I had a chance to walk back the comment, I didn't and I'm not proud of myself. Also, if it hadn't been someone that I've worked with for a long time, I could have gotten in trouble for the comment that I made.

One thing's for sure. I have to get back on a regular schedule with yoga and I should probably start meditating again.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

I Settle

View From the Farm
Went to another goat yoga event and, as usual, I didn't do much yoga since I was too distracted by the goats and pig. It was very windy so that was also a distraction but the event still made for a nice animal therapy session and it's looks mountainous in the farm area so it's beautiful.


Want to Frame This One of the Runner Ducks
Alison volunteered to drive. She said that her car is like her purse and she would probably forget something so I got a chance to look around and take pictures during the drive.

Rain Clouds
We also ended up going to the Crystal Festival which got rained on a lot. I joked that there were enough energy workers and crystals so we should have been able to make it stop raining. Alas, that didn't happen but several of the crystal folks said that they saw a hint of the sun. Is that a case of looking at the sky as half full?

From Alison's I went to pick up essential oils that were on sale. Later on I told Alison how I really wanted these expensive fragrances, like rose and jasmine, and she suggested that I could use my gift certificate for an herb shop toward the purchase of one. I had already used part of of my gift certificate for a "lesser" essential oil and hand cream. As I told Alison, I have a history of not getting exactly what I want. When I feel like I'm being decadent, I settle but, in this case, I had a gift certificate and enough money from my birthday to splurge.

Not going full throttle is something that I'm going to have to work on so that I can become the proper queen that the 'Fugee thinks I am.

Thursday, October 5, 2017


I'm not in the mood to listen to a lot of upbeat music so I made a bluesy playlist. When my father died, I listened to Anthony Hamilton's I'm A Mess a lot and while it's not a song about physical death, it allowed me to grieve. The lines that moved me the most:
I'm a mess right now I can't eat can't sleepBills are piling high ain't worked in three weeksAin't bathed can't shave cause my heart is so tender like living in a blenderI'm shaken and I'm stirred
Here's part of the playlist:

I also have Hamilton's  Comin' From Where I'm From and Can't Let Go plus Moby's Why Does My Heart Feel So Sad? and Bill Wither's Ain't No Sunshine. I will also add Al Green's How Can You Mend A Broken Heart? Might add Diana Ross' Missing You but maybe not.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017


Came home from work and managed to change my sheets. I don't really want to even think about how long they had been on my bed.

Kind of wanted to be a couch potato today but knew that I should hit the pool to calm my mind. I swam a modest 15 laps and I did feel less tense afterward.

Had a nice outing with some of my family the day after my birthday and, this weekend, I hung out with Patti who took me to brunch for my birthday. The food was amazing and the dessert was too. I had not planned to get dessert but Patti mentioned that we were celebrating my birthday and they brought out an amazing beignet. I want one for every birthday from now on.

Delightful Little Beignet
We also stumbled upon the Edwardsville Art Fair where there was a lot of interesting art but Jenna McNair's paintings really spoke to me.

Afternoon Cheeseburger, McNair
I'm reading Roxane Gay's Hunger which took me a while to get into. It's kind of sad -- the things that happened to Gay and, also, how we beat ourselves up about weight etc.
People don't expect the writer who will be speaking at their event to look like me. They don't know how to hide their shock when they realize that a reasonably successful writer is this overweight... (264)
When I told Patti about my wish to take two months off from work (under good circumstances, duh), she said that I'd already had three weeks (overseas trip) of my two months off. Leave it to Patti to throw some reality into one's daydreaming.

Monday, September 18, 2017

And The Days

B-Day Card From  My Aunt's Daughter
I took the day off from work because, honestly, I don't want to be aggravated on my birthday. Didn't really feel like a big celebration either and I'm usually on the low-key side to begin with soooo...

Of course, my aunt is on my mind and the days will get to you  -- birthdays, holidays etc. The first "xyz" you are without that person.

Regarding my aunt, I find myself going back and forth between I can't believe this, anger and partial acceptance. I think that my aunt was such an amazing person that she is still vividly alive for me, a notion that was confirmed when I saw the Instagram post below. I'm sad but know that I have to honor life and her life too.

Flower Near Car Dealership
Flowers on the Desk at the Car Dealership
From the 'Fugee
"I came to see what he'd become, or always was—the father who will never cease to be alive in me." —from "I Wanted to Share My Father's World" by Jimmy Carter  #mondaymotivation  Thirty-nine years ago, when the 39th president of the United States was in office, my dad wrote on his list of life goals, "Talk with the President." I wonder how he'd feel knowing his newborn baby that year did that yesterday. President Jimmy Carter was 54 years old when my dad made that goal, the same age my dad was when he was killed. Yesterday, when I told him why I was meeting him, he said, "Very good." Then he shook my hand and said, "Come back down and see us again." Just before I met him, he said, "Sorry to keep you waiting." Thirty-nine years is a long time to wait, and I wish my dad could have checked off this one himself. Luckily he's still alive in me.
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