The Gospel According to My Father

My father was a Marine who loved to talk about his Parris Island days. His brother told him that he needed to turn in his badge when he got his hat shot off after responding to a domestic violence situation as a police officer but the turning in of the badge did not happen.

When someone dies, I try hard to remember the things they said. It's funny because the sayings pop into my mind at the unlikeliest of times...

Don't bring a knife to a gun fight.

My father's typical joshin' around with his buddies.

That's not even a dog; I should shoot it.

About Thatch, my brother's Cocker Spaniel. We had Doberman Pinschers when I was growing up...

(That's Brutus, one of several Dobermans.)

You gotta die somehow.

To one of his associates that was flirting with me.

She's the world's oldest teenager.

My father about his sister.

You'd rather eat cake than cornbread?

My father to me. I was the pickiest of eaters but never about sweets.

Baseball is interesting if you understand the game.

I don't like chicken. We had so much of it when I was growing up.

My father: You're a part of me. So, if you go over there, it's like I'm going too.


Me: What if I can't figure it out?

My father: You're smart. I know that you can do it.

Me: You're spoiled.

My father: You are too.

My father schmoozing me to go over to my aunt's house and help her figure out a deep fryer. He had promised her, around 7:30 a.m., that he would come and help. It was round 2 p.m. when the schmoozing started. I went to help my aunt and we did figure out how to get the thing going without blowing ourselves up. In the meantime, I was fascinated by how much oil went into the fryer.

I hit him so hard that he went back to writing poetry.

My father about a poet that we knew who referred to himself as Hurricane R during their football playing days.

Doctor (before knee surgery): Do you exercise?

My father: I chase women.

When your mother and I were courting, we went to a carnival and the Ferris wheel stopped. We were stuck up at the top but I didn't care. I was satisfied just being with her.

You're gonna have to start calling me by my first name.

After my father spotted a gray hair in my head. In essence, I was cramping his public persona.

This is the best milk that I've ever had. This is the best pineapple that I've ever had.

My father after major surgery.

When I die, I want Dora to sing Danny Boy at my funeral.

I hate to tell you this but, if you see a squirrel, don't try to avoid it. You'll end up hitting other people's cars and causing lots of damage.

(My father's advice while teaching me how to drive...)

No one else can drive but you. You have to watch out for everyone and yourself too.

A look over your shoulder will save your life.

(More driving advice)