Over and Over Again

Last of the Zinnias

Stared at my zinnias the morning of the first chill and thought about how I will miss them and how there's truly a season for everything.

Saw an acquaintance's husband while walking and remembered how, early in the pandemic, we talked to each other from across the street and, this time, we walked side-by-side for a while. He mentioned his "bad" heart and I asked him was walking his Rx and then he mentioned the many pills that he takes in the morning.

After we said goodbye, I continued listening to the My Bad episode of This American Life and the host said something about how we walk through life somehow thinking that we shouldn't make mistakes...

I follow this cook on social media and, months ago, she mentioned a friend who'd had a bad motorcycle accident and I read about the accident which resulted in a traumatic brain injury, among other injuries, for the motorcyclist. His wife has been posting updates since June about his recovery or lack thereof and recently wrote how she weeps multiple times a day and how the future is scary. I totally relate and read her post over and over again. 

Afterwards

Went to the back door to see if the hummingbird had returned and saw this Black Swallowtail butterfly.

Why am I "this" old and didn't know the name of this butterfly until I went looking for it or that hummingbirds feed all day?

Went back to the door again and was giddy to see the hummingbird. I'd left my camera by the door because, before, the hummingbird would disappear by the time I retrieved my camera. I took the first picture through the door -- just in case -- and then I relaxed and took more pictures. It was such a pleasure to see the hummingbird in action.

Seeing any hummingbird is inextricably tied to a memory that I have of sitting on my aunt Leatha's deck and being visited by a hummingbird there...

As I was leaving for lunch, saw a coworker that I hadn't seen since the pandemic started and she had a lot of things to say, including being annoyed with people not saying things in meetings. She said that most people reserve commentary for afterwards and she's not wrong. Capitalism inspires so much fear.

Released

About three Mondays ago, I was sitting at my desk wondering how in the world I would ever catch up or fix the issues that I have on some projects when one of my coworkers sent me a message: I had a nice thought about you -- something nice to hear when life doesn't feel right. 

And it's Monday again and I spent most of the morning feeling frozen. I've been able to check some to-do items off my list and I've had some of the weight released from my shoulders but, as the 'Fugee said, It's mission impossible since I'm alone in my department...

Saw a hummingbird visit my zinnias yesterday which motivated me to put the hummingbird feeder back out. It's the second time that I've seen the hummingbird around 2 p.m. on Sunday and I spotted her or him multiple times yesterday. 

It's been so nice to see my butterfly, bee and hummingbird visitors...

While walking the other day, I listened to NPR's Fresh Air episode with Joy Harjo and Tiya Miles and I can't stop think about either segment.  Harjo singing her poem Fear -- I release you...I release you...I release you...I release you...

And I felt released for a few minutes. 

And Mile's recounting the story of a cotton sack that was given to a 9-year-old soon to be sold. Upon hearing that her daughter would be sold, Rose put a few things in the sack and told her daughter, Ashley, "It be filled with my love always." 

All That She Carried, by Miles, is definitely on my reading list. 

And speaking of reading, I've been reading A Place for Us for a very long time. I started reading it in late June. At some point, The Vanishing Half became available at the library and I put aside A Place for Us and it was very hard to get back into it after reading The Vanishing Half. I wondered whether to give up on it and move on but something about the book has held my attention. 

What Kind of Vibes

Two Sundays ago, I did a sound meditation for my yoga trainer's current group of yoga teacher trainees. It felt good to be back in a yoga studio and it also felt good to play my bowls for other people. I was nervous because I hadn't done a sound meditation in a while but when four people fell asleep, I relaxed.  

Two days after the sound meditation, got a message from another studio that I used to go to. The person who was scheduled to do a sound bath on Wednesday had a death in the family so I filled in. 

Speaking of yoga studios, I got emails from two that I used to go to updating people on the most recent mask mandate; Missouri -- making the news for less than stellar reasons again... 

Saw someone post a photo with the hashtag of vacation vibes which made me wonder about what kind of vibes I was having at the moment...

As I left out of the house yesterday, my neighbor apologized for how something looked at the border of our property lines. He also noticed that the crepe myrtle in my yard had been invaded by another tree and asked if it was okay to cut the other tree out.

Okay? Thank you neighbor for making my day...

Someone that I know posted a picture and I asked her where she was at and she said Morocco and then she showed me more pictures and it looks absolutely lovely. 

She told me that I should come with her next time. Don't think that I'll be having any #VacationVibes soon but her invitation was sweet...

In flower news, more zinnias are blooming and my sunflowers are about to bloom. 

Not Sure

My zinnias that survived the big hack are blooming and the ones that were hacked have regenerated but I'm not sure if they will bloom again. 

The abandoned zinnias are also about to bloom. Didn't provide them with any additional support and, somehow, they made it. Keep in mind that I lost a cactus before...

One of the abandoned ones...

Found out last Friday that one of my former colleagues died. Hadn't seen her in a long time and was sad to hear the news. At some point, realized that I had a doodle that my colleague had given me and I want to give it to her sister. Kept trying to remember if I had possibly thrown it away and, if not, where could it be since my environment is very cluttered right now. It is a sort of organized chaos but chaos nevertheless. I looked around in places where I remembered it being and, low and behold, I found it in a black jewelry box where I was keeping photos and other mementos. It was such a relief to find it... My colleague also doodled something else for me but I'm pretty sure that I discarded that one. 

The doodle...

Saw these tweets earlier in the month and it's similar to how I feel -- kind of joyless. 

With My Bare Hand

The summer solstice may have arrived but I am still wintering with my mother. 

The refrigerator decided that it was done refrigerating and I have misplaced my new red glasses. Luckily, I usually buy two pairs. Because of the pandemic, lots of major appliances are backordered. 

At work, I have been in my department by my lonesome for a year now. Hulu decided to bump up House Hunter International to another membership level so I'm no longer able to zone out with that show... 

Finally remembered to check the lint trap and I'm washing a load of clothes that includes new underwear because, recently, there's a shortage in my house.  My contact dermatitis is flaring...

When I was in junior high school, there was a woman who helped us teenagers get jobs and she would call me by my last name and say, "What's the good news?" Even as a teenager, I recognized that it was a different way of conceptualizing things.

So, what is the good news?

I have not killed my hanging basket filled with Petunias or my Celosia which reminds me of the Flame of the Forest in Jamaica. And my Zinnias are doing something.

Not as flame-y as when I first got them. Also, neighbor's cat.

Update: I've been intending to hit publish on this post for days now. My uncle, who was helping cut weeds, mowed down the majority of my zinnias even though I had pointed out to him where they were at. Plus, I had markers.

My uncle did point out poison ivy to me and I'm pretty sure that I picked up some with my bare hand to to put it in the yard trash bin.

Goodbye, Zinnia.

When It Comes To Swimming

After more than a year, went back to the swimming pool. Of course, things have changed. You have to reserve your time online, temperatures are taken and masks are to be worn until you get to your lane. Brought a plastic bag along with me so that I could put my mask in there. 

Joked with the 'Fugee that I didn't know if I'd still be able to swim but all went well. As I swam, so many things crossed my mind, including the time that I sprained my ankle but asked the doctor if I'd be able to swim. 

Thought about how my desire to learn how to swim was born out of being at the 'Fugee's pool and watching kids fearlessly jump into the deeper end and how I didn't know anyone with a pool up until then and also how the 'Fugee once told me, "I wasn't supposed to meet you" which made me think of Lisel Mueller's poem, Alive Together. 

Swam 20 laps and this woman in the locker room complimented me and it's so funny because I totally have imposter syndrome when it comes to swimming...

Didn't bother to take my bike to the shop because I was on it so little last year. Inflated the tires, hoisted it out of the basement and headed to the Riverfront Trail. Only, it's hard to get to the riverfront so I headed out Highway 70 which made me think of going to the airport for trips. 

Didn't ride for long but it was a gorgeous day and I enjoyed riding along the Mississippi River. 

Love this part of the trail. Is it anything special? Probably not. Maybe it's just how nature makes you feel.

I'm trying to grow Zinnias and probably should have just tried to plant the seed directly in the ground. This should be interesting. 

Swarming Season

I was walking several days ago and this man told me that there was a swarm a bees around the corner and that he'd never seen anything like it. Same.

Not sure what I was expecting but there were about 200 or more bees and I was thinking about the problem that the homeowners had on their hands because the bees were right about the walk to the house.

When I went back later, the bees were gone. 

Mentioned it to a friend who took "overflow" bees from her dad and she said, "It's swarming season; hope they like their new home."

How is it that I've never seen a swarm of bees before? I also saw a goldfinch in my yard for the first time...

Went to my aunt's, along with my mother, to finish watching the National Geographic Series, Genius:Aretha. 

My aunt sang along until they got to the more modern Aretha songs like "Sister Are Doin' It For Themselves" and I Knew You Were Waiting For Me" and she was like "I don't know that one..." and I totally knew them but never thought much, at the time, how artist fight to stay relevant.

Walked in the park and spotted a woodpecker. Also enjoyed the tulips in the park and wanted to see them before the next set of flowers appear. 

And I am still enjoying my tulips. There are still a few more that are about to bloom. 

And now I feel brave enough to try to plant zinnias -- fingers-crossed. 

Due Process

In the Fall, decided to do an outdoor singing bowl event but I had some ambivalence about it and didn't advertise as I should have. My friend, Ramona, said that she would help me so we were out in the park yesterday. 

Ramona suggested that I dress up and I told her a story about how Anita Baker said that she wished that when she'd first started out that she had dressed like Tracy Chapman. "Ramona," I said, “I'm Tracy Chapman."

Don't like to dress up but I did put on a cute t-shirt. Don't care for staged photos etc. etc.

At any rate, I played singing bowls and Ramona set up her camera and, at one point, she laid down on the grass and I wanted to take a picture but I was being filmed. Ha, the tables, er, camera had been turned on me.

Afterward Ramona told me how nice it was to listen to the singing bowls along with the birds -- not so nice were the emergency vehicles and dogs jockeying for position. 

And speaking of emergency vehicles, make it make sense. 

Stopper over an f'n air freshener; that's so predatory.

Other People's Tulips

Other people's tulips are blooming.

Had to remind myself that I put the bulbs in the ground a bit late. There are at least three flowering stems so maybe I can develop a green thumb after all. 

Went over to my aunt's for dinner yesterday and a doctor that she used to work with called and told her that another one of their colleagues had died. My aunt kept saying, "Aw, man." She had passed by the woman's house a few days ago and it had been on my aunt's mind to call her. My aunt said that she should have followed her instincts.

Following my instincts is a lesson that I must learn over and over again. I was helping my mother clean her room and came across a baby picture of one of my nephews and I was going to text it to him and then changed my mind. A couple of days later, he texted me to ask if I'd send some baby pictures of him because his wife wanted to make a collage...

Talked to a customer at work and told him that we'd have to arrange a time to meet at the front door because we have a maximum number of days that we are able to be in the office and the customer said that he had yet to return to the office and, from talking to others, very few want "normal" again. 

Before my aunt got news about her colleague, she did make me chuckle. Said that she had been wearing COVID clothes so much that she was barely able to fit into her church clothes.

Different

When the year was still fresh, I read Why We Can't Wait, The Choice and I got about 150 pages into Caste before it was due back at the library. A lot of people are waiting on the book and it actually was for the good because all three of the books are heavy. 

Took a break to read Driving While Hungry. One thing that I've learned is that I don't care for e-readers. Years ago, I read a few books on them but it just drives me bonkers now. 

I am so restless and sad right now. 

I posted this tweet to my Instagram stories and a friend responded and I said it's still hard to believe how Chauvin executed Floyd and she commented -- with people recording and telling him to stop. 

Last month I was having a horrible day and walked my mother's dog, Jazz, which is pretty much my dog and this woman started walking towards me and Jazz started barking immediately which is normal for him and I thought that it would stop the woman in her tracks. Instead, she handed me a gold gift bag -- said that her daughter was having a baby. She told Jazz, "It's okay; it's okay" and it felt like she was talking to me too. 

Had to have part of a pipe replaced in the basement. The bathtub drain had been getting progressively slower. The plumber that I used before wasn't returning my calls so the guy who did my aunt's bathroom ages ago and whose wife went to nursing school with my mother did the job. 

He carried his tools back to his truck and I was surprised that it was taking him a bit but he had been looking for screws and offered to secure the screen door on the side of the house. I could have wept. Thought that I was going to have to get it replaced and I had just pushed it up as close as possible for winter because I couldn't deal with one more thing...

It's amazing how sad you can be and then something little delights. When I spotted green leaves emerging from the ground, it made me happy because I thought that maybe I had planted the tulip bulbs too deep... 

Months ago, I took a couple of PTO days and needed to make sure that this contractor had gotten an assignment and would be able to deliver it because almost every call you get when trying to leave the office for a few days is urgent. 

Ended up having a nice conversation with her. She talked about growing up in a communist country and how the feel of a communist country is different. I also got to speak to her toddler who is so sweet...

And this country feels brutally different but the sad part is...it's not.