When It Comes To Swimming

After more than a year, went back to the swimming pool. Of course, things have changed. You have to reserve your time online, temperatures are taken and masks are to be worn until you get to your lane. Brought a plastic bag along with me so that I could put my mask in there. 

Joked with the 'Fugee that I didn't know if I'd still be able to swim but all went well. As I swam, so many things crossed my mind, including the time that I sprained my ankle but asked the doctor if I'd be able to swim. 

Thought about how my desire to learn how to swim was born out of being at the 'Fugee's pool and watching kids fearlessly jump into the deeper end and how I didn't know anyone with a pool up until then and also how the 'Fugee once told me, "I wasn't supposed to meet you" which made me think of Lisel Mueller's poem, Alive Together. 

Swam 20 laps and this woman in the locker room complimented me and it's so funny because I totally have imposter syndrome when it comes to swimming...

Didn't bother to take my bike to the shop because I was on it so little last year. Inflated the tires, hoisted it out of the basement and headed to the Riverfront Trail. Only, it's hard to get to the riverfront so I headed out Highway 70 which made me think of going to the airport for trips. 

Didn't ride for long but it was a gorgeous day and I enjoyed riding along the Mississippi River. 

Love this part of the trail. Is it anything special? Probably not. Maybe it's just how nature makes you feel.

I'm trying to grow Zinnias and probably should have just tried to plant the seed directly in the ground. This should be interesting. 

Other People's Tulips

Other people's tulips are blooming.

Had to remind myself that I put the bulbs in the ground a bit late. There are at least three flowering stems so maybe I can develop a green thumb after all. 

Went over to my aunt's for dinner yesterday and a doctor that she used to work with called and told her that another one of their colleagues had died. My aunt kept saying, "Aw, man." She had passed by the woman's house a few days ago and it had been on my aunt's mind to call her. My aunt said that she should have followed her instincts.

Following my instincts is a lesson that I must learn over and over again. I was helping my mother clean her room and came across a baby picture of one of my nephews and I was going to text it to him and then changed my mind. A couple of days later, he texted me to ask if I'd send some baby pictures of him because his wife wanted to make a collage...

Talked to a customer at work and told him that we'd have to arrange a time to meet at the front door because we have a maximum number of days that we are able to be in the office and the customer said that he had yet to return to the office and, from talking to others, very few want "normal" again. 

Before my aunt got news about her colleague, she did make me chuckle. Said that she had been wearing COVID clothes so much that she was barely able to fit into her church clothes.

Hot Potatoes

Instead of being bummed out about not being able to travel home for Thanksgiving, one of my friends sat down and wrote a list of people that she was grateful for. She wrote that it helped to listen to Natalie Merchant's Kind and Generous while writing such a list.

I'd never heard of Merchant so went to check out the song and it's beautiful. The timing of seeing this friend's social media message was interesting because I have profound gratitude for a gift that she gave me and I have the urge to thank her again...and again and I wondered if there was such a thing as over-thanking... 

Being the primary caregiver for someone is a very lonely experience -- even when you have people that provide relief along the way. 

On a recent walk, I listened to the This Species Moment  episode of On Being and it made me feel less alone in that moment:

Even when we’re by ourselves spatially, like sitting in a room, our thoughts are filled with others; our bodies are even potentially carrying the skin cells of others and a variety of other things...

One of my paternal aunts took care of four really sick people in her lifetime and I'm not sure how she pulled it off...

Sunday didn't go as planned so I wasn't sure what would be for lunch at the beginning of the week. Don't think that I even had oatmeal which I will sometimes eat for lunch. Walked up to my porch and saw a package at the door. As I looked through the bag of snacks and croissant toast (never heard of it), I picked up a foil package and it was a hot potato and I almost wept. The package was from my timely and thoughtful neighbor. 

Another Round

I've been doing yoga almost daily and my body is still cranky, but I also haven't had bodywork since early in the year. 

I intensely miss seeing people outside of my bubble so my body isn’t the only thing that’s cranky.

I'm on the mailing list of this restorative yoga teacher and she's offering a savasana the day before the election and she also mentioned that she's been practicing restorative a lot lately and it dawned on me that that's why I'm doing a lot of restorative yoga. Honestly, I think that I'd be totally dysfunctional without yoga right now. The stress is still there but it would be worse. 

I was thinking about the toll that this current toxic stew has taken on people's health... I remember reading that more people have heart attacks on Monday. Can't even imagine what's going on now...

Went for a walk with my cousin yesterday and she talked about how she'd read how being outside makes you feel better and that she said that her mood really is elevated when she gets out. 

Posted this "fall vibes" picture and a friend left a message saying that she had been in the park and when I talked to her, found out that she was in the park at the exact same time -- wish that I had known...

Knew that Barrett was going to be confirmed but it didn't make it any less upsetting -- especially when I saw this nonsense.

Got off Twitter and went to do another round of restorative yoga.

The Singer's Name

Met with an out-of-town friend last Monday. As we negotiated plans, she asked me where I wanted to meet and I listed a couple of options and described one place as one where I loved to walk and she wrote, "Let's do the walk you love." Seeing that sentence immediately changed my mood and made me smile. 

From now on, I am requesting that all talks about meeting up, end this way. Just kidding... 

We went for a walk and we both had our masks on and, wow, walking without a mask -- I miss that. 

This relationship with this friend is a reminder to embrace serendipity. It has also been a lesson in living a balanced life... 

I was thinking about a friend and former coworker on Monday. Was working from home yesterday but needed to print some things so I headed to the office at an odd time. Went by a community garden that this friend belongs to but she's not usually there on Wednesdays.  Spotted her car, pulled over and grabbed my mask so that I could chit chat... Most of the sunflowers are gone but she still had zinnias and gave me a bouquet of zinnia and lavender -- a moment of delight in a world that makes little sense right now. 

The garden has tons of other things. In fact, a man gave me red chili peppers. Saw tomatoes too but I guess that sunflowers were special to me because the goldfinches loved them. 

My other synchronous moment happened last Friday. Met a friend in the park for yoga. In the morning a singer popped into my head and I shared lyrics from one of her songs and mentioned the singer again at the end of class -- not even knowing what was up with my repetition. 

Noticed my friend pause at the mention of the singer but I've learned not to make assumptions while people practice yoga. The next morning she messaged me to say that she had been thinking about names for her puppy and it was a variation of the singer's name. 

About The Sunflowers

On July 31st ended up at the DMV renewing my tags because I had forgotten that they were due and, because of COVID-19, lines were outside. This woman asked me what I was having done and I told her and she said that the line for license renewal was on the other side and that line only had one person in it. 

What made her say something to me? She was my angel for the day...

In addition to COVID-19, racism and the climate crisis, life is even more difficult for me because of work and home. I'm pretty sure that I am not the only one in this predicament but, yeah, very little is soft or enjoyable right now. 

Before life really turned bizarre, I agreed to participate in my yoga studio's third anniversary celebration this past Friday. The teachers taught relay style and I was the final one and played singing bowls and led the class out of savasana.

One of the teachers did laughing yoga and a teachers two spots away from me was laughing so hard that it made me laugh and, at one point, I looked up at the little tree next to me and the sky, and I was able to really lighten up and relax. 

After class was over with, I heard this mariachi band and I thought, "It's a night for a music" and then I saw a guy round the corner with sunflowers and realized that he was about to propose to one of the yoga teachers. It was kind of a magical night and the other part that made my day was a yoga teacher who approached me with her daughter who told me how much she enjoyed the singing bowls. As the 'Fugee would say, it melted my heart...

Went to Cahokia Mounds to walk with my cousin today and as we climbed the stairs, this woman asked us if we knew about the sunflowers. Sunflowers, what? I knew about the sunflower field in St. Louis but not in Illinois. So, of course, we went. 

What is it about sunflowers that are so delightful? Why did that woman ask my cousin and me? I love everyday angels. Also, my cousin and I had walked at different locations previously. Had we not changed venues, we might not have found out about the sunflowers. 

Not The Better Thing

I keep thinking about this woman on Twitter who pondered the reason why George Floyd's death has been such a watershed event. She speculated that it was the method of execution as we have become so accustomed to gun deaths...

Like others, I am trying to live my life, trying to do my self-care rituals and work in the midst of the twin pandemics -- COVID-19 and racism...

About two weeks ago, I received an amazing gift that made me think about Seinfeld, "What is this salty discharge coming from my eyes?" The gift also made me feel like I could go out into the world and be a better person. I also saw it as a sign of better things to come...

Because of lay-offs, I am alone in my department at work (not the better thing). Took PTO days because I was almost over the limit and, when I returned to the office, had a new office mate and then another one. It was one of the crappiest feelings -- not having time to grieve. It is, technically, okay to have this arrangement as the people who are now in my office have sneeze guards around their desks but knowing that I'm in a higher risk group, it's not a nice feeling to have the population in my office increase, especially since they are not here to help me.

Noticed water leaking in the basement and thought, "Aw, shit; the ancient pipes are ready to blow." The day before a plumber was scheduled to come out my next-door neighbor, who likes to thrift shop, went to someone's house to pick up planters and it was the woman who grew up in my house. She showed my neighbor a painting of my house that someone, who was across the street convalescing, painted decades ago.

Getting a picture of this painting was my sign that everything was going to be alright. The pipes hadn't sprung a leak but the caulking needs to be redone on the tub. It's another thing to put on the to-do list but more manageable than having to get new pipes. Actually went to Lowe's and couldn't find everything that I needed and walked out of the store empty-handed...

I was listening to this episode, Anti-racism and Allyship, of Yogaland podcast and this woman talked about how the Black community is in grieving and that is has been a cyclical pattern of grief and there it is --exactly how I feel. Could not put my finger on it -- why I felt like I was an airplane in an eternal holding pattern. Why people get on my nerves who respond, "I'm good."

It's grief.

More Attention

Salvia

Because I've been walking more, I've paid more attention to how spring unfolds: crocuses, forsythia, daffodils, hyacinths, tulips, red bud trees, irises, peonies.

Thought that I was going  to have so much time to unclutter and organize and I do have more time but the spirit is not willing.

Find myself loosening my grip on the nightly meditation sessions and the Saturday dharma talk that I had been tuning into but I'm still doing Zoom-ba and yoga almost daily.

On Saturday, drove my mother's car to a suburb since I had to jump start it. My mother has an older-ish car so I'm unable to hook up my iPod so I turned the radio to NPR. Haven't listened to Snap Judgement in ages; the Mother's Day Special was on and the part about the mother who made her own Ebola suit was inspiring...

Allium

I also just listened to Give It To Me Straight, Doc on Michael Moore's Rumble podcast and that was helpful.

I've tried a couple of new recipes, including a Sweet Potato Chickpea Buddha Bowl from
The Minimalist Baker.  It's my kind of bowl. Will tinker with it next time -- adding, possibly, mushrooms, making the sauce thinner -- maybe different. I also liked adding a little hot sauce to it.

Oh yeah, my bowl ended up not being vegetarian as I added grilled chicken...

I'm currently reading Driving Over Lemons. I get into these non-fiction zones and that's where I'm at right now.

I also listened to the sweetest New York Times' The Daily podcast with Rick Steves. He keeps "marijuana" journals and he read from one during this episode and it made me laugh out loud. Speaking of marijuana, I keep thinking about Jamaica.

Stickyweed a.k.a. Catchweed a.k.a. all over the yard...

All in all, trying to be vigilant about wearing masks, hand-washing, wiping down surfaces and not touching my face. You know, trying to keep the virus at bay.

I think that it was Ibram X. Kendi who talked about the murder of Ahmaud Arbery and the virus of racism. I keep having to check the calendar but it does not feel like 2020.

Dislocated

Thursday's Clouds

Noticed a Saturday morning yoga class would be held on Zoom by one of the yoga accounts that I follow on Instagram so I made a point to do yoga at 10:00 a.m. but almost wished that I had gone with the 10:00 a.m. Zumba class when I realized, around 1 p.m., that I'd only taken about 300 steps.

It rained just about all day so I pulled out my workout DVDs and started with a Jackie Warner 15 minute workout that was seriously taxing.

Whenever I went to the gym for Zumba, I had to pass people working on weight machines and I kept telling myself that I needed to get back into strength training and the 15-Minute total body circuit included weights, which I didn't remember. It did  feel good doing something very different from what I've been doing the last couple of years...

While on Twitter, saw a Mental Floss posting about activities that you can do at home so I took a delightful art class for kids of all ages. Drawing is definitely not a talent that I possess but I enjoyed the class that I selected...


Here's another poem that my colleague shared with me:

By Garous Abdolmalekian

Translated from Persian by Ahmad Nadalizadeh and Idra Novey

Even your name

I have doubts about
and about the trees
about their branches, if perhaps
they are roots
and we have been living
all these years underground.

Who has dislocated the world?
and why are birds circling in our stomachs?
Why does a pill defer my birth?
For years we’ve been living underground
and perhaps
on a day in my seventies I’ll be born
and feel that death
is a shirt we all come to put on,
whose buttons we can either fasten
or leave undone…
a man may roll up his sleeves
or he might…

I am
a captive man’s conjectures
about the seasons behind the wall.

Inclining the Heart

Lately, on the weekend, hunger is the thing that drives me out of bed.

Made pancakes and also this dalgano coffee that has been popping up in folks' Instagram feeds. It might have been the really expired instant coffee or maybe my tablespoons were on the heaping side but I didn't really care for coffee concoction.

Felt lethargic so I returned to bed and listened to a guide meditation by Anushka Fernandupolle who's doing the meditations and dharma talks on Saturdays during the pandemic. I actually missed the live meditation but, luckily, Instagram keeps them up for 24 hours.

Fernandupolle's talk was on equanimity. There were many parts that I found useful, including something that she said you can tell yourself during fearful situations:

May I meet this moment with ease and balance; it might not work but you are inclining the heart in that direction. 

Also:

Joy is beneficial for people who are struggling...connecting with joy is positive...is balance.

I totally fell asleep during the meditation but managed to stay alert for most of the dharma talk...

Went to a local park which has beautiful displays of tulips. The county parks have closed but the city mayor is trusting people to keep their distance.

The park with the tulips has actually stopped car traffic from entering to help with physical distancing... Actually, there weren't a lot of people in the park. Might have been the time that I went or it might have been the fact that it felt fall-ish...

On the energy side, feeling more like myself this afternoon.

Life Is Happening

Sent one of my friends a link to a meditation session on Zoom. Shortly thereafter, clicked on the meeting and I was the only one at the meeting when it finally dawned on me that it was Wednesday and not Tuesday.

Tried to participate in a restorative yoga class on Thursday and the host kicked me out. Okay, who knows what she thought but it made me think that I should stick to local teachers.

Went for a walk the other day and saw a jogger with a mask plus two walkers with masks. Walking about while people are practicing physical distancing doesn't bother me but I will don a mask for trips to the grocery store from here on out.

Participated in a Instagram Live meditation with Anushka Fernandopulle this morning and, after the mediation, she talked about how people might be angry at a non-human entity while others might be glad that life has slowed down...

Saw someone post the other day that your life is happening -- it doesn't matter that we're sheltering in place and, as such, I decided to cut the grass.

As I headed to the backyard, thought about what my uncle said about putting fresh gasoline in with the old so I headed to the gas station. Got back and forgot that the thingy that secures the bolt on one arm of the lawnmower was missing. Thankfully, my refurbished lawnmower started up and I was able to take care of my hybrid lawn even with having to pause, occasionally, to put the bolt back in...

These tweets resonated with me:

And this poem that my colleague shared certainly moved me:

By Cyrus Cassells

Still craving a robust

Tenderness and justice,

I will go on living

With all I have seen:

Young men lusterless;

Against my blind cheek—

Blessed be the frangible

And dying,

The irreplaceable dead—

In my crestfallen arms:

With breath,

Then without it,

With flesh,

Then freed of it—

And the indurate man I heard

Condemn the stricken,

While my cousin was dying,

If he had walked these wards,

Armorless, open

To the imperiled,

Surely he would have gleaned

To sit in judgment

Is to sit in hell—

Lesions, elegies,

Disconnected phones—

Rain, nimble rain,

Be anodyne,

Anoint me when I say outright:

In the plague time, my heart

Was tested,

My living soul

Struck like a tower bell,

Once, twice,

four times in a single season.

14 Days Ago

Last weekend marked my one-year anniversary of graduating from yoga teacher training. I have no regrets...

What to say?  A lot has changed in the 14 days since I last posted. As with most cities, just about everything is on shut down.

Up until last Wednesday, I had not heard of Zoom and now that's all I hear about. Many yoga teachers have headed online as they try to salvage their businesses.

I had planned to take a couple of PTO days before everything got super scary and, as usual, my days off are usually dedicated to getting some task taken care of. My car needed rear brakes and I kept losing air in a tire etc. The chimney also needed work. Kept thinking that maybe I should have postponed the chimney repair but it's done now.

In addition to daily yoga, I've been ending my evenings by getting into a restorative posture while listening to a guided mediation provided by the folks at 10% Happier.

I'm also trying to take the hand-washing as a moment to breathe a little deeper.

I read somewhere that the world as we know it has changed. Ain't that the truth?

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A post shared by Brené Brown (@brenebrown) on Mar 21, 2020 at 7:22pm PDT