Not The Better Thing

I keep thinking about this woman on Twitter who pondered the reason why George Floyd's death has been such a watershed event. She speculated that it was the method of execution as we have become so accustomed to gun deaths...

Like others, I am trying to live my life, trying to do my self-care rituals and work in the midst of the twin pandemics -- COVID-19 and racism...

About two weeks ago, I received an amazing gift that made me think about Seinfeld, "What is this salty discharge coming from my eyes?" The gift also made me feel like I could go out into the world and be a better person. I also saw it as a sign of better things to come...

Because of lay-offs, I am alone in my department at work (not the better thing). Took PTO days because I was almost over the limit and, when I returned to the office, had a new office mate and then another one. It was one of the crappiest feelings -- not having time to grieve. It is, technically, okay to have this arrangement as the people who are now in my office have sneeze guards around their desks but knowing that I'm in a higher risk group, it's not a nice feeling to have the population in my office increase, especially since they are not here to help me.

Noticed water leaking in the basement and thought, "Aw, shit; the ancient pipes are ready to blow." The day before a plumber was scheduled to come out my next-door neighbor, who likes to thrift shop, went to someone's house to pick up planters and it was the woman who grew up in my house. She showed my neighbor a painting of my house that someone, who was across the street convalescing, painted decades ago.

Getting a picture of this painting was my sign that everything was going to be alright. The pipes hadn't sprung a leak but the caulking needs to be redone on the tub. It's another thing to put on the to-do list but more manageable than having to get new pipes. Actually went to Lowe's and couldn't find everything that I needed and walked out of the store empty-handed...

I was listening to this episode, Anti-racism and Allyship, of Yogaland podcast and this woman talked about how the Black community is in grieving and that is has been a cyclical pattern of grief and there it is --exactly how I feel. Could not put my finger on it -- why I felt like I was an airplane in an eternal holding pattern. Why people get on my nerves who respond, "I'm good."

It's grief.