Walking

Was listening to Choice Words with Samantha Bee -- the episode with Laura Dern and Diane Ladd when Bee said:

I sometimes feel that when you're walking just the movement of your legs lubricates it, like,...

And I was expecting her to say something about synovial fluid, instead she said:

It, like, lubricates your soul.

Guess that's true too. It's amazing what triggers your memory. Was listening to another podcast right before Bee's and the host was talking about how he'd take his mother shopping and they would meet back up hours later. It made me think about when my father would take me to the mall. He had very little patience for shopping so he would sit down somewhere and wait for me. Bee also talked about family secrets which made me think of a family secret that I was shocked to learn about and it also made me think of one of my favorite podcasts, Family Secrets with Dani Shapiro.

Chances

One of the hummingbirds that visits my zinnias.

It was 68 degrees when I woke up and all I could think about was how perfect the weather was for biking. However, the two people that provide me with relief from caregiving were busy today. Have to tell myself that, hopefully, this will not be the last time the weather will be nice and it will not be my last chance for bicycling.

I went walking instead.

Saw a hummingbird and that cheered me up.

Although I was not listening to Wiser Than Me, I keep thinking about the episode with Amy Tan who gives the advice that if you're able to, build a universal home. 

Problems

To say that life has been wild is an understatement. I bookmarked this tweet way back in January and it still resonates.

Don't know which statement is more true -- Kelsie's Snow's "no smooth sailing" or the commenter's one about excruciating anxiety and stress. 

I've been talking to my aunt about coming over so that I could get out for a swim. At first, I thought "What's the point?" Still, we finally set a date and I got to go swimming yesterday. Haven't been in about a year and the lifeguard said that he thought I was in Europe or something. How I wish that had been true. 

Swimming was great. Going to a couple of stores after swimming was also great. I felt light and free.

Recently watched an episode of Hoarders, Season 13, Episode 4, Carl. The organizer, Dorothy Breininger, said to Carl:

I really understand what it's like to care for a parent. 

I do caregiving for my mom. I did caregiving for my dad and I did caregiving for my sister.

So, it was always on me to handle the problems. And I want to say, I totally get it; that you have to handle all of the these problems and I'm so sorry about that...

I felt that deep in my heart. 

Recently

My view from the bench that I like to have a few, meditative minutes on during the middle of my walks. 

While walking, listened to the Sandra Cisneros episode of Death, Sex and Money and found it very touching. Also recently listened to two very sweet episodes of Feet in 2 Worlds: A Better Life? : "Call Your Elders and The Home Clock -- one about a Haitian family and the other about a family originally from Pakistan. Both episodes were recorded in 2020 at the height of the pandemic. Will probably listen to them all again and I also want to dust off The House on Mango Street.

Decided to cancel my Apple TV service but before it ended watched Ted Lasso again. Also watched Coda and got in a few episodes of Gutsy. Might revisit Apple TV but I've been, primarily, watching Hulu and don't want to waste money.

Finished my Virtual Mission birthday gift challenge. About 40 of the miles were bicycling -- the rest walking. It's hard to believe that I've gotten in over 300 exercise miles in two-ish months. My body did that... 😊

A Break

One of my aunts gave me a break from caregiving yesterday so that I could go bicycling. The weather was great (70-ish degrees) and, now that it's 35 degrees, I really appreciate that I had the opportunity to get out and go on an adventure. Needless to say: it was also wild that it was so warm in November.

I am such a casual bicyclist. Love to stop an eat an orange and listen to the Mississippi River... 

I'm doing a plank challenge and I'm pretty sure that it's the reason that I was able to make it up the hills. Still walked my bike up one but, overall, was pleased with my outing.

After returning home and sitting for awhile, I could feel the soreness in my body so I took the time to do yoga and focused on hip-openers. While doing frog pose, I totally said, "Ribbit."

Down-ish

Felt so isolated and lonely today and, in retrospect, my sleepless night surely amplified those feelings. 

Many people took advantage of the mild weather to get out leaf blowers and I wanted to smack each and every one of them.

In addition to twisting my right foot on a bur acorn and then a gumball, I also stepped on a branch that boomeranged and smacked my leg. Who knew that fall could be so ruthless?

As I walked and listened to Family Secrets, I was so angry that I reverted to early pandemic behavior of stepping into the bike lane or crossing the street when I saw other people.

On the last portion of my walk, I saw two people on the sidewalk and so I stepped off and, because I didn't feel like engaging, my head was down-ish and I had no intention of speaking. 

This woman looked at me, smiled and said so warmly, "Hello, Love, How are you?"

Pardon my obsession with zinnias...

When I think about it, I don't think that I tried to start any from seed last year. It's a good thing that I decided to start growing a batch inside because the seedlings are the only ones that seem to be doing well and this little batch of pink, purple and red makes me smile...

Went to see the sunflowers at the Columbia Bottom Conservation Area. 

What is it about a field of sunflowers that is so nice? The conservation area is very peaceful too and I was stunned to see a blue bird in the fields. How did I get to be "this many years old" and never see a Indigo Bunting bird?

Learned that the sunflowers are used to attract mourning doves in September as part of hunting season and that's really something that I wish that I could unlearn. 

Surprise Zinnia

Took a short walk this morning,,, then crossed the river to see family. 

Had a "late for me" cup of coffee and read a bit. Also continued to watch "Little Fires Everywhere."

Did 50 minutes of yin yoga.

Went back and forth about whether to cut the grass or not and finally decided to cut it instead of going for another walk, especially in light of the weather heating up later on this week.

As I pushed the lawnmower to the back of the house, checked on my zinnias. A puny one emerged earlier in the week but the first "real" one has emerged. Also saw zinnias where I had not planted any seeds.

Surprise Zinnia

Before I  came in the house, saw a house finch and my neighbor's cat chilling out on top of one of their cars.

Took a shower and also washed my hair.

Washed another round of dishes.  

It's been a full day...

Underwater

Since the pandemic, walking has been my main exercise and while I really enjoy it and enjoy listening to podcasts as I walk, I just feel a bit landlocked.

Even thought I felt fatigued and as if I didn't have enough time, I did get an opportunity to go swimming today. Couldn't find my good goggles and one of my flip flops is missing but I have back-up goggles and back-up flip flops. Not ideal but as the 'Fugee likes to say now -- good enough.

Unbelievably, It's been two years... Tried to do freestyle on my first trip down the lane and couldn't do it so I did the backstroke for awhile and then told myself to calm down and breathe and I was able to feel comfortable with my head underwater. Swimming was definitely relaxing...

During my morning walk the other day, saw four goldfinches emerge from this area by the sidewalk with coneflowers and some other puffy, purple flowers.

Further along I saw a hummingbird, several cardinals, a robin and who knows what else. A few delightful moments during this wild ass time in the world and in my life. 

It's hard to believe that it's 2022 with all this fascism and misogyny. 

Wanderlust

My family and I are still exchanging photos from May's trip. My aunt was looking for a picture and I was like, "Hey, send me that one."

At the Kingsley Plantation

Also spent more time thinking about how our itinerary could have been better and, now, I'm dreaming about being near a beach again -- as if I'm the only one with beach dreams...

Right now, I'm enjoying watching my zinnias grow. I've been watering them daily since the heat wave hit. Saw a friend post of picture of her garden and she had blooming zinnias. How did she do that? We're in the same region. Called myself planting right after the last frost. 

Comparison really is the thief of joy, isn't it?

Got to do a whole hour of yin yoga today. Now, that was relaxing and enjoyable.

Peanuts

Haven't been on a plane in almost four years and found these peanuts as I readied to put items in my carry on bag. 

One thing is for sure, with the rows being so compact, I don't enjoy being by the window anymore. 

What I did enjoy was spending time with my nephew and his family, including his infant. As I walked my grand nephew around, his little baby breaths blew me away. And I also enjoyed seeing how my nephew has grown... 

Spent first part of vacation in Georgia then spent time in Jacksonville. My suitcase weighed about 24 pounds and was mostly comprised of tank tops. The weather looked like it was going to be warm but it was cooler and perfect for walking but I almost thought about buying an extra short-sleeved shirt.

Went to see Kingsley Plantation and the palm trees and water are beautiful but I definitely thought about the people who were enslaved and the horrors that they endured.

From Kingsley Plantation, we headed to Fernandina Beach to get a glimpse of the water. Seeing the water and feeling the breeze was magical and I wish that our trip had been organized a bit differently but that's definitely hard to do with four people involved. 

Honestly,  all I wanted was to pull up a chair, listen to the water and watch the waves and repeat the watching and listening the next day.

Best Laugh

On Wednesday, prepared to "lose myself to dance," and signed up for virtual Zumba but thought it was weird that the screen said the instructor would join five minutes before class; that screen is not usually there when I log on.

Had my iPod with me because I wanted to wish the 'Fugee a good night so I immediately saw an Instagram message from the Zumba instructor telling me that there would be no class and that she had posted the cancellation on social media. I'm in Argentina, she wrote.  That was the best laugh that I had all week -- maybe the only laugh that I had all week…

It's been hard for me to find a book after reading Circe. Started reading I Am I Am I Am: Seventeen Brushes with Death. First of all, thought that I had read one of the essays before but couldn't remember when or where. Anyway, couldn't get into it. Next, I picked up Interior Chinatown and Walking in Wonder: Eternal Wisdom for a Modern World but couldn't totally get into either one of those. I was thinking about reading Cleopatra and Frankenstein but nixed that idea. Hoping to find a book that I can get lost in soon...

Got invited to a yoga class at the Earth Day celebration today but turned it down. Told my friend that I was exhausted and knew that the grass needed to be cut because of all the rain and I wouldn't have the energy to do both.

Woke up at my usual going-to-work time but stayed in bed and watched another episode of Better Call Saul. Think that I must have watched about five or six episodes and it just felt right to stay close to home.

The grass was a struggle to cut because it was tall and also still wet so I mowed almost all of the backyard then took a break. One of the arms on the lawnmower is broken and then I took another break. Got an old sync chord to see if I could wrap it around the handle. I used duct tape the first time. The handle would stay put for awhile then not work so I had to keep stopping which was frustrating.

After dinner, planted zinnia seeds and put up caution tape because my uncle sometimes helps with yard work and I'm hoping that the visual cue will help him stay away from the flowers.

Like Circe, I feel that Better Call Saul has come into my life at just the right time. 

The Letter

Had a terrible day at work on Friday -- a hand-trembling kind of day. Got home and there was a letter from the state of Louisiana, at last.

At the beginning of the year, requested my grandmother's birth certificate but, no luck, it wasn't found. Still, it was a sign that my grandmother is with me and it made me straighten my spine. 

For a great deal of the pandemic, I have been watching movies with my aunt and mother. Decided to pick up A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood and it was just the movie that I needed to see.

A meaningful part for me is when Mr. Rogers is talking about how no one likes to talk about death and he says, Anything human is mentionable. Anything mentionable is manageable.

And, honest to God, I'm not sure if that's entirely true but it resonated.

After we finished with the movie, went to YouTube because I wanted to show my aunt the Eddie Murphy SNL clip about Mr. Robinson's neighborhood.

Ruffled

Started teaching yoga at work again but, lately, I've been feeling so sour that I thought that it was unfair to do so.

Did self-talk and explored the reasons why one does yoga and, of course, one of the reasons is to recalibrate.

Passed one of my ruffled co-workers in the hall and she said, I wish this were a yoga day — an omen for me to continue but, alas, I will probably have to pause yoga due to a new person at work who also made my recent three day work week feel like a six day one…

The 'Fugee came and now has returned to her homeland. While the ‘Fugee was here, she typically spent time with me on Fridays and Sundays. On Fridays, I barely felt like I belonged to the human species. Can't say that I felt much better on Sundays as they tend to be long days too. At any rate, think I miss my Sunday time with the 'Fugee the most and also being in the same time zone.

One of my former co-workers from about 10 years ago, has been looking for a job off and on. I enjoy her Twitter posts about "sharing the salary" etc. Recently, after several interviews, she posted MITA. Had to go and look it up.

Sometimes people will having you believing MITA...

Last week was such a trash week that I strongly felt the need to go to my hometown and take a walk and connect with my ancestors. After that, went to visit my cousin and, without telling her what a crappy week that I'd had, she started telling me about Brittany Packnett Cunningham being on Cross Connection talking about microaggressions directed toward Black women. I'm never surprised by such aggression and brought up how no Black woman is immune. Remember that time Oprah was in Switzerland, asked to see a purse and was refused. Or, as a former colleague said, racism never takes a break. Looking at you, too, sexism and...

Took my mother for a walk today and, as we started off, she took my arm and hooked hers around mine; she's never done that before; she got that ritual from the 'Fugee. 

Without...Shaking

Saw my tulips that I planted in 2020 emerging from the ground and the ones that I planted next to them last October are also emerging. They are growing fast; it's wild. 

For some reason, I remember reading about the energy it takes for flowers to grow when I looked up information about tulips. Glad that they have enough. I was beginning to think that I should have bought bulbs from somewhere else... 

It was nice to wake up at my own pace this morning. I am reading Circe right now -- a book that someone gifted me. It's weird how something comes along when you need it. 

These lines on page 208 stopped me in my tracks. "Odysseus, son of Laertes, you have been hard-pressed. You are dry as leaves in winter. But there is harbor here."

And the word hard-pressed resonated with me. Someone posted this bible verse on social media and I don't remember the circumstances but it also stuck with me:

2 Corinthians 4:8-12

*8* We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; *9* persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

I have some harbor but not a lot. Join the club, I guess...

And, as soon as I wrote those words, I remembered the "grandma" in one of Anderson Cooper's podcast who said, about Russian soldiers, that she would shoot them without her hand even shaking. 

A Look Back

A look back at 2021:

January 

After many years, I sign up for Netflix again. I also start a trial membership with Yoga International. I send my brother a painting for his birthday of his dear Rottweiler. It goes to another state, comes back to Missouri and arrives many days after his birthday. 

February 

 My HBO Max and Kindle Unlimited trials expire. 

We have our first family Zoom session for my mother's birthday. 

 I also take a virtual "How to Paint Like Alma Thomas" class. 

March 

 The trap to the bathtub is replaced. 

I get my second COVID vaccine and my middle nephew ties the knot and I am bummed that I won't be attending. 

 I am genuinely happy to see green shoots coming out of the ground where I planted tulip bulbs. 

 April 

 A rock chips the windshield that I replaced in June of 2020. 

 I buy a hummingbird feeder.

 A cousin and I start with walking visits and I start growing zinnias indoors. I also plant sunflower seeds. It's a late start but who cares? 

May 

Not much memorable happens this month.

June 

Birthdays galore. 

I meet another vaccinated friend outdoors. My zinnias start to bloom. I wise up and don't buy candles for my aunt's cake. 

July

I have to replace the refrigerator and the one that I really want is on backorder because of the pandemic.

I do two sound baths in one week. 

The drain in the basement backs up over the holiday weekend. 

The zinnias have my full attention and the sunflowers are starting to do interesting things. 

August 

My virtual Zumba teacher ends Saturday classes and I finally call a contractor to give me a quote on multiple things that need to be done around the house. 

One of my former coworkers dies. 

September 

The 'fugee returns from overseas. We go to see ŠTO TE NEMA at the sculpture park. 

Also, lots of birthdays this month, including my own. 

I teach a short yoga class for a group of young ladies participating in a program. 

Butterflies, praying mantises and hummingbirds start to visit zinnias. 

October 

*crickets*

 November 

 I call another contractor and I also call another plumber. 

 December 

The living room gets two new coats of paint -- going from a dark to light color; it's a different living room world. 

 The union is repaired in the bathroom. 

I get a COVID booster shot and my arm gets impressively inflamed. 

I've ready 16.5 books by now since I started one book in December of 2020 and finished it in Janaury. Also, Caste feels likes about three books... 

My aunt texts me to let me know that a childhood classmate, semi-retired, has died. I remember that he was smart and kind and that we used to walk to junior high school together.

Over and Over Again

Last of the Zinnias

Stared at my zinnias the morning of the first chill and thought about how I will miss them and how there's truly a season for everything.

Saw an acquaintance's husband while walking and remembered how, early in the pandemic, we talked to each other from across the street and, this time, we walked side-by-side for a while. He mentioned his "bad" heart and I asked him was walking his Rx and then he mentioned the many pills that he takes in the morning.

After we said goodbye, I continued listening to the My Bad episode of This American Life and the host said something about how we walk through life somehow thinking that we shouldn't make mistakes...

I follow this cook on social media and, months ago, she mentioned a friend who'd had a bad motorcycle accident and I read about the accident which resulted in a traumatic brain injury, among other injuries, for the motorcyclist. His wife has been posting updates since June about his recovery or lack thereof and recently wrote how she weeps multiple times a day and how the future is scary. I totally relate and read her post over and over again. 

Afterwards

Went to the back door to see if the hummingbird had returned and saw this Black Swallowtail butterfly.

Why am I "this" old and didn't know the name of this butterfly until I went looking for it or that hummingbirds feed all day?

Went back to the door again and was giddy to see the hummingbird. I'd left my camera by the door because, before, the hummingbird would disappear by the time I retrieved my camera. I took the first picture through the door -- just in case -- and then I relaxed and took more pictures. It was such a pleasure to see the hummingbird in action.

Seeing any hummingbird is inextricably tied to a memory that I have of sitting on my aunt Leatha's deck and being visited by a hummingbird there...

As I was leaving for lunch, saw a coworker that I hadn't seen since the pandemic started and she had a lot of things to say, including being annoyed with people not saying things in meetings. She said that most people reserve commentary for afterwards and she's not wrong. Capitalism inspires so much fear.

Released

About three Mondays ago, I was sitting at my desk wondering how in the world I would ever catch up or fix the issues that I have on some projects when one of my coworkers sent me a message: I had a nice thought about you -- something nice to hear when life doesn't feel right. 

And it's Monday again and I spent most of the morning feeling frozen. I've been able to check some to-do items off my list and I've had some of the weight released from my shoulders but, as the 'Fugee said, It's mission impossible since I'm alone in my department...

Saw a hummingbird visit my zinnias yesterday which motivated me to put the hummingbird feeder back out. It's the second time that I've seen the hummingbird around 2 p.m. on Sunday and I spotted her or him multiple times yesterday. 

It's been so nice to see my butterfly, bee and hummingbird visitors...

While walking the other day, I listened to NPR's Fresh Air episode with Joy Harjo and Tiya Miles and I can't stop think about either segment.  Harjo singing her poem Fear -- I release you...I release you...I release you...I release you...

And I felt released for a few minutes. 

And Mile's recounting the story of a cotton sack that was given to a 9-year-old soon to be sold. Upon hearing that her daughter would be sold, Rose put a few things in the sack and told her daughter, Ashley, "It be filled with my love always." 

All That She Carried, by Miles, is definitely on my reading list. 

And speaking of reading, I've been reading A Place for Us for a very long time. I started reading it in late June. At some point, The Vanishing Half became available at the library and I put aside A Place for Us and it was very hard to get back into it after reading The Vanishing Half. I wondered whether to give up on it and move on but something about the book has held my attention. 

What Kind of Vibes

Two Sundays ago, I did a sound meditation for my yoga trainer's current group of yoga teacher trainees. It felt good to be back in a yoga studio and it also felt good to play my bowls for other people. I was nervous because I hadn't done a sound meditation in a while but when four people fell asleep, I relaxed.  

Two days after the sound meditation, got a message from another studio that I used to go to. The person who was scheduled to do a sound bath on Wednesday had a death in the family so I filled in. 

Speaking of yoga studios, I got emails from two that I used to go to updating people on the most recent mask mandate; Missouri -- making the news for less than stellar reasons again... 

Saw someone post a photo with the hashtag of vacation vibes which made me wonder about what kind of vibes I was having at the moment...

As I left out of the house yesterday, my neighbor apologized for how something looked at the border of our property lines. He also noticed that the crepe myrtle in my yard had been invaded by another tree and asked if it was okay to cut the other tree out.

Okay? Thank you neighbor for making my day...

Someone that I know posted a picture and I asked her where she was at and she said Morocco and then she showed me more pictures and it looks absolutely lovely. 

She told me that I should come with her next time. Don't think that I'll be having any #VacationVibes soon but her invitation was sweet...

In flower news, more zinnias are blooming and my sunflowers are about to bloom.