The Letter

Had a terrible day at work on Friday -- a hand-trembling kind of day. Got home and there was a letter from the state of Louisiana, at last.

At the beginning of the year, requested my grandmother's birth certificate but, no luck, it wasn't found. Still, it was a sign that my grandmother is with me and it made me straighten my spine. 

For a great deal of the pandemic, I have been watching movies with my aunt and mother. Decided to pick up A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood and it was just the movie that I needed to see.

A meaningful part for me is when Mr. Rogers is talking about how no one likes to talk about death and he says, Anything human is mentionable. Anything mentionable is manageable.

And, honest to God, I'm not sure if that's entirely true but it resonated.

After we finished with the movie, went to YouTube because I wanted to show my aunt the Eddie Murphy SNL clip about Mr. Robinson's neighborhood.

Something Wild

Recently had a split on my bottom lip. The last time that I had an issue with my lip was many years ago when I had a reaction to a certain seafood. The first hole in my ear was inflamed. I've had bumps on my cheekbone, biceps tendonitis (maybe) and tight rhomboids. Plus, I did too many hip openers during yoga and that left me barely able to walk.

Had so much going on that I pulled out The Body Keeps The Score which I read during yoga teacher training. All in all, I should be grateful for all of the times when my body is not keeping the score...

I often admire the tulips at a local park and at the botanical garden and decided to do something wild like ordering tulip bulbs. Thank goodness for YouTube. I was going to try to dig the designated area with a trowel but went with a shovel after watching a few how-to videos. 

It was so gratifying digging my little area and when I saw a few wriggling worms, it made me think of how my grandmother would dig for fishing worms. 

Speaking of my grandmother, my aunt shared a picture that one of my cousins forwarded to her of my grandmother and another cousin. In the picture, my cousin's face is so soft and it made me think of how much my grandmother loved him and also how much my grandmother loved me and how much I miss her. 

Wore a "Day of the Dead' mask to work and a co-worker who speaks mostly Spanish showed me a picture of an altar that she'd made for her husband. The altar was beautiful and I'm considering doing something similar next year. I'm not one for visiting a cemetery but this seems like an appropriate way to honor the dead. Thank you Gingerzingi for making this mask for me. 

Wistful

Tried to flip my thoughts this morning as I wistfully looked at Living Danishly: I stay close to work. I do not work nor will I probably ever work as hard as my single parent grandmother did etc., etc.

Very often, I remember something my grandmother told me when I talked about a difficult week that I'd had. She said sweetly and convincingly -- I'm sure that it was nothing that you couldn't handle. She didn't say it in an offhand or dismissive way but more of a You're smart; you've got this...I believe in you way...

Went to yoga after work and saw several people that I hadn't see in a while. Several asked where I had been. It's a fair question as I've only been to the yoga studio four times this month.

One of things that the author of Living Danishly learns right away is that it's not easy being an immigrant. Now, imagine being a refugee.

When I was on Instagram yesterday, saw author Dani Shapiro's post; she gets under my skin, sometimes, with her melancholy.

Life is full of so many befores and afters. When I was younger, I used to believe that our lives contain only one shock, one loss, one dividing line. In fact, my memoir Slow Motion begins with those very words: before and after. A friend just sent me this photo of @mmaren and me taken at a birthday bash in LA just a couple of months ago. At this moment his father is still alive. We’re waiting to hear about @j_maren’s college news. We’re on the edge of our seats about @mmaren new film. Oh, time. How you do your work, boldly, unrelentingly. How you present us with gauntlets and gifts. There is pain, to be sure. And also beauty, joy, relief, love. A long, linked chain of befores and afters. #writer #writing #writersofinstagram #writerslife #memoir #fiction #memory #slowmotion #brithdayparty #losangeles #independentfilm #collegeacceptance #tbt

A post shared by Dani Shapiro (@daniwriter) on Jan 25, 2018 at 6:06am PST

Without Constrictions

Thought about my grandmother as my eyes lingered on cloves of garlic on the table. My grandmother was an advocate of garlic tea for colds. I'm about to go there. This cold that I have is playing an Ashford and Simpson tune -- it seems to hang on. Being under the weather has definitely been a good reminder of how nice it feels to walk around on a regular basis without constrictions.

Went to Zumba this morning and wasn't feeling it.

Later on, met up with Alison and her family plus Gloria and her friend, Little Buddha, to watch "Sponge Bob Out of Water" but I could tell by the parking lot that the movie was sold out. Alison's son gave us Valentine's Day cards. Too cute.

Alison Inc. and Gloria stayed for the next show but I headed to a mall that I rarely go to. Wore myself out at J.C. Penney trying on clothes. Spent $33 on two tops and a pair of trousers. Wanted to check out other stores in the mall but I was knackered.

Sunday Menu, #2

Note: All food cooked by my Aunt G except cornbread which was made by my grandmother.

Banana Pudding

Black-eyed Peas

Cornbread

Fried Chicken

Fried Corn

Fried Okra

Pound Cake

The banana pudding, corn and cornbread almost made me cave. I know, I know -- everything in moderation.

Last Sunday, my aunt baked tilapia. You can eat the fish, she said matter-of-factly. I didn't even ask what was used for flavoring. Flexibility is required now and then.

Before I knew it, my aunt had already warmed up the food. I wasn't even hungry but I sat down before two pieces of tilapia, a huge baked potato, two strawberries (nice touch) and a sizable salad.

I almost declined to eat the second piece of tilapia but the fillets were small. I put the strawberries back and picked a few tomatoes and bell pepper strips out of the salad. My aunt said that she almost gave me a third piece of tilapia but she knew that I wouldn't eat it.

Insatiable

I had an unbelievable appetite today. I had oatmeal, an Attune mint chocolate bar, pasta, Wasa crackers, Laughing Cow cheese and chocolate covered peppermint sticks among other stuff. I made a conscious effort to drink water hoping that it would fill the void.

I went over to my grandmother's house where Easter dinner looked a lot like Thanksgiving fare: turkey, ham, dressing, gravy, green beans, mac and cheese, rolls, sweet potato pie and caramel cake. Sigh.

I grabbed a saucer and had some turkey, green beans and sweet potato pie (see kryptonite list). I looked lovingly at the mac and cheese but decided that the pie was indulgence enough.

My grandmother kept trying to convince me to eat caramel cake. A little cake never hurt anyone, she insisted. Famous last words g'ma.

Sunday's Menu

Sometimes I think that my grandmother missed her calling as a journalist or meteorologist or, in yesterday's case, a waitress since she was rattling off the menu specials of fried chicken and okra, sweet potatoes, cornbread, greens and blackberry cobbler.

Now, my aunt does the bulk of the cooking and she usually cooks a lot and is fond of saying, "I like to eat so I don't mind cooking." My grandmother usually handles biscuits, cornbread, cobblers and, when she is in the mood, lemon meringue pie. I forgot to ask my grandmother if she found her big spoon that she bought eons ago and uses to measure her ingredients.

Yesterday, the two things that were really calling my name were the cornbread and cobbler. I don't really even care for blackberries but it never stopped me from pushing them to the side and eating the dough and syrupy juice portion of the cobbler.

I was looking through Food Network Favorites' Recipes from Our All-Star Chefs while I was at my grandmother's and the recipes that jumped out at me were Mango Dos Leches, Tennessee Banana-Black Walnut Cake with Caramel Frosting and Chocolate-Peanut Butter Pie. I envy people who don't have a sweet tooth.

Today, I went to the gym and I went to look for a coat afterwards and the one coat that I liked was, ironically, too big. I could have worn that coat about a year and a half ago. Otherwise, my shopping expedition was Goldilocks-like except no coat turned out to be just right.

I was exhausted after looking around and glad that I had cut up an apple for a post-workout snack. And, after I stopped by Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, I ate a chocolate crisp Attune bar.

As I was picking up coffee and salsa at Trader Joe's, I almost forget to get my latest addiction, Trader Joe's Soy Mini Chocolate Sandwiches. They really are mini but filling.

My Grandmother's Message

My grandmother recently left this message on my answering machine:

"It's really cold. I hope that you are staying warm. I found one of your pretty
pictures and I'm going to put it up front where I can look at it. You've always
been pretty."

I kid you not. I did not make this message up or the smile on my face as I listened. My grandmother is one of the main reasons that I never had much overweight angst. I was, pretty much, accepted -- no matter how much I weighed.

I often get teased by some relatives because my g'ma often tells me how smart and pretty I am. It's a grand kid thing and I don't think the off-spring understand. My grandmother would never write my name down to be voted off the "Survivor" tribe. She would, however, gleefully write down a child's name down on her "list." My grandmother has my back in unimaginable ways.

When I was over at my grandmother's house on Sunday, she wanted to feed me chicken and dumplings as well as pound cake that she considered low-fat since it was made with margarine instead of butter. I refused the chicken and dumplings (texture issue) and the cake (still calorically challenged). My grandmother desperately wanted me to take something so we settled on an orange. My grandmother didn't understand that she's already given me so much and, even if I didn't eat or take anything, I could never leave her house empty-handed.

Jocelyn Jee's mother reminds me of my g'ma.