Peanuts

Haven't been on a plane in almost four years and found these peanuts as I readied to put items in my carry on bag. 

One thing is for sure, with the rows being so compact, I don't enjoy being by the window anymore. 

What I did enjoy was spending time with my nephew and his family, including his infant. As I walked my grand nephew around, his little baby breaths blew me away. And I also enjoyed seeing how my nephew has grown... 

Spent first part of vacation in Georgia then spent time in Jacksonville. My suitcase weighed about 24 pounds and was mostly comprised of tank tops. The weather looked like it was going to be warm but it was cooler and perfect for walking but I almost thought about buying an extra short-sleeved shirt.

Went to see Kingsley Plantation and the palm trees and water are beautiful but I definitely thought about the people who were enslaved and the horrors that they endured.

From Kingsley Plantation, we headed to Fernandina Beach to get a glimpse of the water. Seeing the water and feeling the breeze was magical and I wish that our trip had been organized a bit differently but that's definitely hard to do with four people involved. 

Honestly,  all I wanted was to pull up a chair, listen to the water and watch the waves and repeat the watching and listening the next day.

Comfort

What time will you be here? That was my question to my nephew, D, who wanted to know what time I usually wake up. 

D told me his estimated time of arrival was 6:00 a.m. so I set my alarm clock and heard his knock on the door right around that time. 

My aunt G said that she was bringing breakfast. When she arrived and pulled a dozen eggs out of her shopping cart, I realized that she was bringing the materials for breakfast. We are not the best at communicating in my family.

By the time that my aunt arrived, I knew that my nephew and his companions were hungry so I started making omelets. My aunt didn't like the way that I added raw vegetables (mushrooms, bell peppers, onions) and she also told me to slow down because she usually does eggs last. 

My aunt likes to cook her bell peppers and onions before adding them to omelets; you learn something new every day. Despite our different techniques, it was nice to stand side-by-side with my aunt and cook. That saying about too many cooks in the kitchen totally popped into my head though. 

Everyone got fed and, as I passed out coffee, thought about a picture in the office of a massage therapist that I used to go to. It said something like: As we provide comfort, we are comforted... 

On Saturday I was totally confused about the whereabouts of Friday. What had I done? Where had the time gone? 

I barely moved on Thursday and Friday and I don't remember the last time I moved so little...

Decided to take extra days off and I'm glad that I did. I was not prepared, at all, to return to work. So much energy and work goes into the holidays. It feels like, at a minimum, we should devote a week to Thanksgiving. Everything just feels so rushed... 

Reached out to Alison about going to Gloria's yoga class. That 60 minutes of yoga felt so good. Haven't been doing much studio yoga lately. Kind of looking for a yoga home again. Once upon a time, thought that I had found one.  For now and for the most part, I'm content to do yoga at home. Also, everything is messing with my head, including All My Relations and White Women Killed Yoga. 

The Real World

There was a family and friends' picnic yesterday -- spearheaded by the patriarch, Charles, on my father's side of the family.

My sister-in-law visited and I haven't really sat down and had a hearty conversation with her in a while. Saw a cousin that I hadn't seen since junior high school and I was introduced to a cousin whose parents divorced when she was two. Because her mother moved to California, she didn't know any paternal relatives; what a trip -- not much different than my own trip of not really knowing a lot of my father's folks.

One of my younger cousins  said the same thing about not being familiar with many of the people at the picnic. It's kind of weird because I am more familiar with this cousin's sister than I am with her. Oh well, what can you do? As Maya Angelou said: When you know better, you do better.

My cousin, the patriarch, has unbelievable carpentry skills. He made a train for the kids! It was somewhat funny, though, because someone was driving it and she said that my cousin had too many rules about the operation of the train.

There was regular barbecue type food plus popcorn, snow cones, candy apples etc. When the call went out for homemade ice cream, I was like, ugh, but my cousin Chiquita's childhood friend was like Get some. You don't eat like this every day. We live in the real world... 

And the last part of her statement resonated with me a lot.

The Tag Team

I've been referring to the weekend as 48 hours so that I can tame my expectations.

On Friday, Chiquita texted that my cousin Charles, the paternal patriarch, was having a fish fry and to let others know. Felt like I had to go even though there's the awkwardness of not knowing huge parts of my paternal kinfolks and maybe the awkwardness is why I needed to go...

Outside of the yoga class that I went to observe on Saturday, I stayed home until the fish fry. Not even sure what else I did that day.

I also promised Chiquita that I would go to the new recreation center that she is trying out. Chiquita is working with a wellness coach and has to get on the treadmill, specifically, four 35 minutes at four miles per hour. Because I despise the treadmill, I moved in the direction of the natatorium -- never heard it called that before...Swam for 30 minutes and put my swimsuit in one of those little water extractor machines; wish I had access to one all the time.

Chiquita was still on the dreadmill so I checked out a basketball. I love that the facility even has a modest rock climbing wall. They also have aqua yoga.

The facility is about 20 minutes away from me. Hmmmm....

My aunt D invited the family to church on Sunday afternoon since she was a deacon-elect. The preacher said that it was not a service and that he had already conducted several services earlier in the day but as the 'Fugee said when I told her that I'd been at church for over three hours -- Oh, preachers like to preach.

First up -- the friend of the bishop. He talked about an assignment (deacon, minister, elder) that comes with service. He also talked about assignment assassins which really resonated with me. I also like what he said about staying in the dark room (like with photography) and to stay in development. Also, prepare yourself before you present yourself. Couldn't agree more with the latter.

The bishop had me cracking up when he said You can take online courses but you need someone who has been anointed to teach you...

Favorite line after all of the elected clergy had gotten their bibles, necklaces and collars: The gates of hell have been notified that new soldiers are on the way. 

Favorite thing about this church -- the bishop and his wife are a tag team. 

My aunt getting her vestment.

The bishop on a roll...Also, I think this would make a great painting...

*******

During the fish fry on Saturday one of my cousins, Katrina, told me that I've been around the world. I wish. It's interesting that she said that because I was just thinking about how few countries I've been to. Of course, I'm grateful for the traveling opportunities that I've had.

Just a few of the peeps at the fish fry.

Love my cousin's Hall of Fame/Family Tree...

Remembrance

When I made it the gym this morning, the Zumba class was about to begin. Thought that I could easily make the 10:00 a.m. start time -- apparently not. I only missed a few moves though. After class, went by a couple of stores then checked in with Chiquita to see if she had been to the cemetery. She hadn't so I ate then headed across the river.

As I headed down a main street, I saw a man in the yard with a pit bull and it made me think of my aunt Carolyn's boyfriend who visited once and spotted this young man with a pit bull and he had a gut feeling that the dog was being used for fighting.

All that to say, I'm amazed by triggers. Pit bull = memories of my aunt.

Chiquita wanted to purchase a headstone for her mom and they were having a Memorial Day sale. I didn't know that they did that at the cemetery; there was also a drawing for a gift card.

When I stopped by one of the stores earlier, it registered that the flowers were more expensive and then I remembered -- Memorial Day. I have mixed emotions anyway. I think real flowers should be for the living.

Someone had placed a flag at my father's grave. Thought about my grandparents, aunts, uncle and cousin who are in the cemetery and that line from Andy Dufresne in the Shawshank Redemption -- Get busy living or get busy dying -- went through my head.

Seeing the flag at my father's grave made me remember a story that he told me about military life at that time and now Ain't Gonna Let Nobody Turn Me Around is also in my head.

On the way back, we rode down the street where I grew up, partially, then we headed to a cousin's house. I don't know this cousin that well but when I looked at her, I kept thinking my grandfather's niece. On the ride back to get my car, Chiquita mentioned how my aunt Al liked to joke that my father would do anything for you except give you money. Chiquita remembered how my father would take her back and forth to college but warned her that he wasn't going to keep transporting her trove of shoes.

I keep thinking about this woman at the cemetery. She had a lot of paraphernalia around her at a grave and she was seated on the grounded as if she intended to set up camp. Chiquita asked her if she was okay and she said that she was all right.

Turning The Corner

Went to visit my brother along with three other relatives.  Feel like I'm getting much better at packing and knew, right off the bat, that I should be conservative since I was only spending two nights away from home.

Used an overnight bag with a packing cube inside. Still not sure if the cubes are space savers but I do like how you're able to better organize clothing.

Had dreams the two nights that I was away. The first one involved observing a father with his baby, in danger of drowning, in a swimming pool. The father managed to rescue himself but not the baby but I was able to. Once I had the baby in my arms, I wailed.

The next night I dreamed that there were two bad guys in a room and I was confident about taking out one with my weapon but not the other. I shot the one guy and that's where the dream ended. Maybe the latter dream stemmed from being on a military base or watching Covert Affairs or maybe, as Dream Moods suggests, the dream was about experiencing confrontation and feeling victimized...

One of my relatives showed up inebriated and I was definitely disappointed and holding my breath. My mother and her siblings occasionally bickered. My oldest nephew got a kick out of that saying Now I don't feel bad about getting into it with my brothers. Just as people are prone to feel like forever kids around their parents, I guess that it's true of siblings too.

At any rate, I enjoyed seeing my grand nieces who I hadn't seen in years. I was not prepared for them wanting to occupy electronic devices but I will say that the pictures that they took were interesting. I just hoped that they wouldn't drop my expensive iPod or someone else's phone.

Electronic Delight

Went to see my cousin yesterday and, this time, I wasn't surprised when I turned the corner and saw my aunt's house decorated with lights. It's bittersweet seeing the lights but not her.

Projected Lights

To Wrap Around

Buddha at a Local Store

My cousin was supposed to go to a family birthday party last Saturday with my aunt Al so I accompanied her and I joked that while I wouldn’t be glad to go, I would go. I knew that it would be an awkward experience since, outside of my father’s siblings, I don’t really know a lot of my paternal relatives.

At the birthday party, a second cousin came over and asked if I knew who he was. I did know his name but I didn’t know him. He immediately said that one of his regrets was not getting to know parts of his family and I said that I felt similarly. I mean, I had to be introduced to many relatives at that party that, in theory, I should be familiar with.

On tap for the next day was a reunion with many of the same family members. One of my second cousins, D, kept saying that she looked like my aunt Al in response to people saying that she looks like her grandmother. D didn’t get along with her grandmother and I feel bad about that too because I think that if they had put their differences aside, they would have really enjoyed each other’s company. D has a great sense of humor and a big personality -- just like my aunt L. Anyway, I have enough to feel bad about without adding more regret for something that I had no control over...

Scene of the Reunion

Tug of War: Females vs. Males

Photo Booth: D's Family

At any rate, the birthday party was nice and so was the family reunion. Both were well organized and the credit goes to my second cousin, S., who is a superb event planner. The party MC even joked that the birthday woman is very laid back but that her daughter, S, is another story. When S asks you for something by a certain time on a certain date, you get it to her without questions...

Once a friend suggested that I go to Al-Anon and I scoffed out loud and had a For what? tone to my voice. I considered my father a soft and functional alcoholic but I can see how my father’s pursuit of alcohol et al. affected me by, say, his lack of interest in family gatherings.

As I listened to my cousin, C, talk about his 40 plus year marriage to the birthday woman, I wished that my father had been more invested in marriage. You get to play the “wish game” but you don’t get to alter reality and, while my father was not more “invested” in marriage, he was super invested in me, so I won’t cry over spilled milk. Okay, I’m whimpering a bit but whatever...

Birthday Prizes, Decorative Boxes that S Made

Additional Giveaway Boxes (with scripture chosen by birthday woman)

As an introvert, I felt the strain of being around a lot people for the Labor Day weekend but I did enjoy the family reunion. There were games, plenty of food, a photo booth and, of course, lots of interesting people.

I found it frustrating that I got almost nothing done, outside of cutting the grass and cleaning the fish tank, during the holiday weekend but I guess I’ll put that in the That’s life column. Plus, when family is gathered, you have to set other things aside.

The Friday before the holiday was busy at work and so was this Tuesday. I kept feeling the need to scream and I did but not loudly because screaming at work is frowned upon. My urge to scream made me think of this Primal Therapy scene in some goofy movie. And other than wanting to scream, I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact that my aunt is gone.

Rushing

When I walked into work this morning I wondered how, if I chose to, working 80% would impact my life. I, simultaneously, heard my grand and great grandparents verbally scoffing -- like Do you know what we had to go through?

Went to my cousin's wife's General Education Development (GED) graduation last night and there were more graduates than I expected -- about 150.

The person who stood up the most last night, for awards etc., was a German immigrant who said that she was on the wrong side of the wall and didn't get the education that she wanted. The immigrant did very well in her language classes because she was one of two students who gave a speech and you could hear her passion for education.

The second student speaker was my cousin's wife and she talked about how many attempts she'd made to get  her GED and how her husband, who doesn't think he deserves any credit, was instrumental in her setting aside a day for studying and continuing on her path. She also thanked the school for never closing the door on her...

I hadn't realized that "K" had dropped out of school in the seventh grade due to family issues etc.

After the student speeches, I thought "It's never too late" but there was also part of me thinking that sometimes it is too late but then I remember the people who learned how to read in there 90's etc.

Out of all the graduation ceremonies that I've been to, I found this High School Equivalency one the most moving...

The Two

Talked to my aunt Debbie after the ceremony because my twin uncles just lost one of their half-sisters (heart attack at work). I found out last night that my aunt Debbie is the youngest on both side of her families. Didn't realize that she had just as many siblings on her father's side as she did on her mother's side. How did I not know this information?

Today I was talking with a contractor that I work with and she talked about how everyone rushes time but she believes that time rushes by at an unbelievable speed and has no desire to wish away certain days...

Two of my favorite pictures from last night.

Your Lucky Day

News:

I made it back to my yoga mat after a 15-day hiatus and it felt really good. I had read an article in Prevention magazine that was a reminder of why practicing yoga is so good for your mind and spirit.

In Other News:

Chiquita texted me sometime last week to say that one of our cousin's had died. No one, except for his mom, was surprised. Our cousin lived a hard life and alcohol got the best of him. I feel really bad for his mom who is not doing well herself. 

People have a lot to say about the town that I was born in. It got the first chapter in Jonathan Kozol's Savage Inequalities. A lot of us did well but a lot of the black men did not...

Today was my cousin's funeral. 

I met up with my mother over at my aunt Girt's house and I wanted to drive because my mother often chauffeurs people around but I think that my mother is leery of my driving skills or, rather, she thinks that I drive too fast. At any rate...

Got to the funeral home and saw my aunt Debbie coming out. She had some gently used workout clothes that one of her friends no longer wanted...

One my of high school classmates officiated the service and one of the first things that he asked us to do was put up two fingers then feel our pulse. He went on to talk about the importance of breath, living etc.

When it was time to go to the graveyard, I rode with Chiquita. The service was a short one so when we arrived at the gravesite, there was still some final issues that needed to be addressed. I couldn't remember where my father's grave was at and, of course, Chiquita remembered the general vicinity and I was able to find it. Blew my mind that it's been almost 12 years since my father died. Really, where does the time go?

Chiquita In The Driver's Seat

I went to school with my deceased cousin's sister and it was not lost on me that she can hardly stand on her own since she has a bad case of arthritis...

Next, Chiquita and I went to pick up my aunt Alice and when she saw me, she said When did you two crooks meet up? I started cracking up.

We went over to another cousin's for the repast and I had fun watching Chiquita have fun while listening to my aunt Girt who said many funny things. It is also interesting to watch what happens between my mother and my aunt Girt. You would think that my aunt Girt is the oldest the way she likes to ask my mother to bring her things etc...

After the repast, I headed to get my glasses. I usually get them in Illinois at an "outlet" for $40 dollars. As I walked in, a pair of glasses called my name. Why didn't they call out to me two weeks ago? I wasn't crazy about the glasses that I picked out but I was overwhelmed by the choices and just went with something so that I could get out of the store. At any rate, the glasses are growing on me but I still might order a second pair.

After picking up my glasses, I treated myself to some scented, whipped shea butter lotion plus a few bath bombs. I also got Chiquita one because she needs to unwind...

Left home at 11:30 and returned at 5:30. Ate then I headed back out as I wanted to get this Trader Joe's popcorn that my mother likes but when I got to the shelf that holds the popcorn, it wasn't there. I went up to customer service and a young lady told me that the truck should have just made a delivery. 

It's your lucky day she tells me as she cuts open the box and I relieve it of four bags.

Flower Cupboard Almost Bare

What Falafel Is Made Of

The watery part has subsided but I'm still waking up with itchy eyes. I usually give in and put two eye drops in and that usually does the trick for the rest of the day. It's like Groundhog Day.

I've been doing my meditation lesson at night a lot because I see the email then I forget. I like it when Salberg says Welcome back at the beginning of each lesson.

I really liked the body scan, lesson ten; those were the deepest breaths that I had taken in a while.

For the eating meditation, I did that one while eating a Cara Cara orange. These oranges are so amazing that I forgot about the whole pomegranate shortage or what seemed to be one anyway.

During the meditation, I squirted myself which was kind of cool because it was like the orange was affirming one of it's characteristics. It was also nice to take in the amazing aroma...

Today is my mother's birthday and several of us went to the Missouri Botanical Garden for Celebrate the Gospel.  We got into a conversation about Crazy Bowls and Wraps when my aunt Debbie asked me What is falafel? As I explained, she asked Where did this "child" come from? Haven't heard them ask that in a while.

Celebrate...

One of my favorite Salberg Instagram post; I need a set-up like this one:

Repost from @maemansfield - All the fixings for my daily meditation. #commit2sit #day7 #28daysofmeditation #realhappiness #holistichealth #holisticlifestyle

A photo posted by Sharon Salzberg (@sharonsalzberg) on Feb 9, 2017 at 10:20pm PST

No Balance

News from 2009

Cindy and Tim were in town so I had a climbing date with them on Sunday at a branch of my gym. Between the "accessible" area being roped off for a class and the high volume of 5.10s, I could barely find anything to climb. So disappointing. I've always liked the new gym for how it's organized (bouldering area, lead climbing area) and for the variety of routes but the latter has changed. Can't say that I'm thrilled about the route selections at my regular gym either.

Not everyone is a highly skilled climber and I just see no balance with the kind of routes being offered. Ugh...

We had a little surprise gathering for my uncle's birthday today. There was an overflow room which held about five people and my uncle ate in there even though we tried to encourage him to go and eat with his birthday well-wishers.

It was really funny when my aunt Debbie and I walked in and found the birthday boy in the overflow room reading a newspaper and it was even funnier when I realized that the paper was really old.

And I laughed because reading in the midst of a party is something that I would totally want to do.