Other People's Tulips

Other people's tulips are blooming.

Had to remind myself that I put the bulbs in the ground a bit late. There are at least three flowering stems so maybe I can develop a green thumb after all. 

Went over to my aunt's for dinner yesterday and a doctor that she used to work with called and told her that another one of their colleagues had died. My aunt kept saying, "Aw, man." She had passed by the woman's house a few days ago and it had been on my aunt's mind to call her. My aunt said that she should have followed her instincts.

Following my instincts is a lesson that I must learn over and over again. I was helping my mother clean her room and came across a baby picture of one of my nephews and I was going to text it to him and then changed my mind. A couple of days later, he texted me to ask if I'd send some baby pictures of him because his wife wanted to make a collage...

Talked to a customer at work and told him that we'd have to arrange a time to meet at the front door because we have a maximum number of days that we are able to be in the office and the customer said that he had yet to return to the office and, from talking to others, very few want "normal" again. 

Before my aunt got news about her colleague, she did make me chuckle. Said that she had been wearing COVID clothes so much that she was barely able to fit into her church clothes.

Different

When the year was still fresh, I read Why We Can't Wait, The Choice and I got about 150 pages into Caste before it was due back at the library. A lot of people are waiting on the book and it actually was for the good because all three of the books are heavy. 

Took a break to read Driving While Hungry. One thing that I've learned is that I don't care for e-readers. Years ago, I read a few books on them but it just drives me bonkers now. 

I am so restless and sad right now. 

I posted this tweet to my Instagram stories and a friend responded and I said it's still hard to believe how Chauvin executed Floyd and she commented -- with people recording and telling him to stop. 

Last month I was having a horrible day and walked my mother's dog, Jazz, which is pretty much my dog and this woman started walking towards me and Jazz started barking immediately which is normal for him and I thought that it would stop the woman in her tracks. Instead, she handed me a gold gift bag -- said that her daughter was having a baby. She told Jazz, "It's okay; it's okay" and it felt like she was talking to me too. 

Had to have part of a pipe replaced in the basement. The bathtub drain had been getting progressively slower. The plumber that I used before wasn't returning my calls so the guy who did my aunt's bathroom ages ago and whose wife went to nursing school with my mother did the job. 

He carried his tools back to his truck and I was surprised that it was taking him a bit but he had been looking for screws and offered to secure the screen door on the side of the house. I could have wept. Thought that I was going to have to get it replaced and I had just pushed it up as close as possible for winter because I couldn't deal with one more thing...

It's amazing how sad you can be and then something little delights. When I spotted green leaves emerging from the ground, it made me happy because I thought that maybe I had planted the tulip bulbs too deep... 

Months ago, I took a couple of PTO days and needed to make sure that this contractor had gotten an assignment and would be able to deliver it because almost every call you get when trying to leave the office for a few days is urgent. 

Ended up having a nice conversation with her. She talked about growing up in a communist country and how the feel of a communist country is different. I also got to speak to her toddler who is so sweet...

And this country feels brutally different but the sad part is...it's not. 

Hot Potatoes

Instead of being bummed out about not being able to travel home for Thanksgiving, one of my friends sat down and wrote a list of people that she was grateful for. She wrote that it helped to listen to Natalie Merchant's Kind and Generous while writing such a list.

I'd never heard of Merchant so went to check out the song and it's beautiful. The timing of seeing this friend's social media message was interesting because I have profound gratitude for a gift that she gave me and I have the urge to thank her again...and again and I wondered if there was such a thing as over-thanking... 

Being the primary caregiver for someone is a very lonely experience -- even when you have people that provide relief along the way. 

On a recent walk, I listened to the This Species Moment  episode of On Being and it made me feel less alone in that moment:

Even when we’re by ourselves spatially, like sitting in a room, our thoughts are filled with others; our bodies are even potentially carrying the skin cells of others and a variety of other things...

One of my paternal aunts took care of four really sick people in her lifetime and I'm not sure how she pulled it off...

Sunday didn't go as planned so I wasn't sure what would be for lunch at the beginning of the week. Don't think that I even had oatmeal which I will sometimes eat for lunch. Walked up to my porch and saw a package at the door. As I looked through the bag of snacks and croissant toast (never heard of it), I picked up a foil package and it was a hot potato and I almost wept. The package was from my timely and thoughtful neighbor. 

Something Wild

Recently had a split on my bottom lip. The last time that I had an issue with my lip was many years ago when I had a reaction to a certain seafood. The first hole in my ear was inflamed. I've had bumps on my cheekbone, biceps tendonitis (maybe) and tight rhomboids. Plus, I did too many hip openers during yoga and that left me barely able to walk.

Had so much going on that I pulled out The Body Keeps The Score which I read during yoga teacher training. All in all, I should be grateful for all of the times when my body is not keeping the score...

I often admire the tulips at a local park and at the botanical garden and decided to do something wild like ordering tulip bulbs. Thank goodness for YouTube. I was going to try to dig the designated area with a trowel but went with a shovel after watching a few how-to videos. 

It was so gratifying digging my little area and when I saw a few wriggling worms, it made me think of how my grandmother would dig for fishing worms. 

Speaking of my grandmother, my aunt shared a picture that one of my cousins forwarded to her of my grandmother and another cousin. In the picture, my cousin's face is so soft and it made me think of how much my grandmother loved him and also how much my grandmother loved me and how much I miss her. 

Wore a "Day of the Dead' mask to work and a co-worker who speaks mostly Spanish showed me a picture of an altar that she'd made for her husband. The altar was beautiful and I'm considering doing something similar next year. I'm not one for visiting a cemetery but this seems like an appropriate way to honor the dead. Thank you Gingerzingi for making this mask for me. 

Another Round

I've been doing yoga almost daily and my body is still cranky, but I also haven't had bodywork since early in the year. 

I intensely miss seeing people outside of my bubble so my body isn’t the only thing that’s cranky.

I'm on the mailing list of this restorative yoga teacher and she's offering a savasana the day before the election and she also mentioned that she's been practicing restorative a lot lately and it dawned on me that that's why I'm doing a lot of restorative yoga. Honestly, I think that I'd be totally dysfunctional without yoga right now. The stress is still there but it would be worse. 

I was thinking about the toll that this current toxic stew has taken on people's health... I remember reading that more people have heart attacks on Monday. Can't even imagine what's going on now...

Went for a walk with my cousin yesterday and she talked about how she'd read how being outside makes you feel better and that she said that her mood really is elevated when she gets out. 

Posted this "fall vibes" picture and a friend left a message saying that she had been in the park and when I talked to her, found out that she was in the park at the exact same time -- wish that I had known...

Knew that Barrett was going to be confirmed but it didn't make it any less upsetting -- especially when I saw this nonsense.

Got off Twitter and went to do another round of restorative yoga.

The Singer's Name

Met with an out-of-town friend last Monday. As we negotiated plans, she asked me where I wanted to meet and I listed a couple of options and described one place as one where I loved to walk and she wrote, "Let's do the walk you love." Seeing that sentence immediately changed my mood and made me smile. 

From now on, I am requesting that all talks about meeting up, end this way. Just kidding... 

We went for a walk and we both had our masks on and, wow, walking without a mask -- I miss that. 

This relationship with this friend is a reminder to embrace serendipity. It has also been a lesson in living a balanced life... 

I was thinking about a friend and former coworker on Monday. Was working from home yesterday but needed to print some things so I headed to the office at an odd time. Went by a community garden that this friend belongs to but she's not usually there on Wednesdays.  Spotted her car, pulled over and grabbed my mask so that I could chit chat... Most of the sunflowers are gone but she still had zinnias and gave me a bouquet of zinnia and lavender -- a moment of delight in a world that makes little sense right now. 

The garden has tons of other things. In fact, a man gave me red chili peppers. Saw tomatoes too but I guess that sunflowers were special to me because the goldfinches loved them. 

My other synchronous moment happened last Friday. Met a friend in the park for yoga. In the morning a singer popped into my head and I shared lyrics from one of her songs and mentioned the singer again at the end of class -- not even knowing what was up with my repetition. 

Noticed my friend pause at the mention of the singer but I've learned not to make assumptions while people practice yoga. The next morning she messaged me to say that she had been thinking about names for her puppy and it was a variation of the singer's name. 

Balcony or Not

Didn't feel like doing anything for my birthday but one of my aunts kept pushing for a celebration of some fashion so a handful of us got together and spaced out. We had French onion soup, salad and other sides and I was having a good time until...

my iPod kept showing alerts and, damn, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is no more. My aunt is a retired nurse so, of course, she came from the underlying issues perspective and, as others have said, our democracy should not have to rely on one Supreme Court judge.

This aunt also likes to make collages. The one picture in particular that I kept staring at was my baby picture. Life is hard right now but I kept thinking that that baby has come a long way and has had a relatively safe journey...

So far, I've canceled two memberships and have taken my walking up a notch. When I walk now, though, I find myself looking at people with balconies, side porches and stand-alone sun porches. I find myself coveting these spaces and think about how nice it would be to sit on a balcony while reading. In my fantasy space, I also think about doing yoga. 

And, yoga... If I get to practice at night, I count my lucky stars because in my current role as caretaker, it doesn't always happen. So, in the end, I guess it doesn't matter if have a balcony or not...

Sent a birthday card to the yoga teacher that I went on the retreat with when 45 won the election. Knowing what I know now about teaching yoga, I thanked her for the class that she led the morning after. It was a difficult task and she was able to pull herself together even though there were several of us sobbing. 

She had also been thinking about that day in Negril and said that 45 turned out to be a million times worse than she'd imagined and she talked about her privilege in taking the stance that she did but I told her that he had also turned out worse than I'd expected...

Listened to The Good German episode of Gaslit Nation and Sarah Kendzior and Andrea Chalupa are not surprised, at all, about 45.

Kendzior was on point on when she said that autocracy and fascism ends badly for everyone except a few profiteers and earlier in the episode when she talks about the depth of heartlessness.