The Gospel According to My Father

My father was a Marine who loved to talk about his Parris Island days. His brother told him that he needed to turn in his badge when he got his hat shot off after responding to a domestic violence situation as a police officer but the turning in of the badge did not happen.

When someone dies, I try hard to remember the things they said. It's funny because the sayings pop into my mind at the unlikeliest of times...

Don't bring a knife to a gun fight.

My father's typical joshin' around with his buddies.

That's not even a dog; I should shoot it.

About Thatch, my brother's Cocker Spaniel. We had Doberman Pinschers when I was growing up...

(That's Brutus, one of several Dobermans.)

You gotta die somehow.

To one of his associates that was flirting with me.

She's the world's oldest teenager.

My father about his sister.

You'd rather eat cake than cornbread?

My father to me. I was the pickiest of eaters but never about sweets.

Baseball is interesting if you understand the game.

I don't like chicken. We had so much of it when I was growing up.

My father: You're a part of me. So, if you go over there, it's like I'm going too.


Me: What if I can't figure it out?

My father: You're smart. I know that you can do it.

Me: You're spoiled.

My father: You are too.

My father schmoozing me to go over to my aunt's house and help her figure out a deep fryer. He had promised her, around 7:30 a.m., that he would come and help. It was round 2 p.m. when the schmoozing started. I went to help my aunt and we did figure out how to get the thing going without blowing ourselves up. In the meantime, I was fascinated by how much oil went into the fryer.

I hit him so hard that he went back to writing poetry.

My father about a poet that we knew who referred to himself as Hurricane R during their football playing days.

Doctor (before knee surgery): Do you exercise?

My father: I chase women.

When your mother and I were courting, we went to a carnival and the Ferris wheel stopped. We were stuck up at the top but I didn't care. I was satisfied just being with her.

You're gonna have to start calling me by my first name.

After my father spotted a gray hair in my head. In essence, I was cramping his public persona.

This is the best milk that I've ever had. This is the best pineapple that I've ever had.

My father after major surgery.

When I die, I want Dora to sing Danny Boy at my funeral.

I hate to tell you this but, if you see a squirrel, don't try to avoid it. You'll end up hitting other people's cars and causing lots of damage.

(My father's advice while teaching me how to drive...)

No one else can drive but you. You have to watch out for everyone and yourself too.

A look over your shoulder will save your life.

(More driving advice)

Redemption Song

I guess you could call this a debriefing, of sorts, from yesterday's experience.

Ironically, as I was waiting and waiting for the chiropractor and upset that I didn't follow my first and second mind to walk out the door, I was thinking that I hadn't gotten properly angry in a while, which is good because when I get angry it takes me so long to come down from that anger high.

Initially, I had no idea how long I had waited since I don't normally wear a watch and, like a casino, there were no clocks in the chiropractor's office. I watched as he went from one room to another -- sometimes at a frenetic pace -- manipulating people's lower bodies on weird tables that rotated.

I kept thinking that I didn't even really want him to touch me because he was in such a frenzy. There was not one thing -- not one that was relaxing about the few minutes of acupressure that he did provide. In fact, I was praying that he hadn't done damage. I was also miffed because I didn't have anything to keep me occupied. Not a book or an MP3 player. When I go to get my hair cut, I take a book because there's always the possibility that waiting will occur. This clown didn't even have magazines in his office. I digressed though.

I had gotten off of work (two hours) early because we had our annual holiday party and I felt like I just wasted the gift of precious, extra time. In addition, I was supposed to meet my friend Hazira at a certain time then we were to proceed to another friend's home (Asmira) by a certain time. I'm not going to mention the fact that I wanted to stop by Big Lots to find Wasa crackers and such.

I threw three people's schedule off. When I picked up Hazira, I was good and angry at this point and, when I get angry, I can't talk. I can bang on the steering wheel but I can't talk. Don't worry. The banging is brief and I have yet to break my hand in this manner...

We arrived at Asmira's and Hazira sat down for an interview with a student. Asmira told me that I could just chill out and I asked if I could use a computer so that I could dispense with some of the yuckiness. Asmira quickly set me up AND brought me a huge mug of green tea with a touch of organic honey and lemons on the side. The cup said The Boss. Hee-hee.

After I wrote for a bit, I got busy with Asmira's Wii. Then, we had dinner of baked fish, vegetables, salad with Craisins, walnuts, blue cheese and spinach, Russian bread etc.

It was a great meal and the company was great too. I laughed especially when Asmira's husband came home and told me that The Boss cup belonged to him.

Whenever I've been a guest at Asmira's house, I feel immediately at home. The house is warmly decorated but that's not it. I feel as if I could stay forever. It has the feel of a bed and breakfast or sanctuary. What it is, though, is Asmira -- her hospitality is huge.

After 11 p.m., we were joking about overstaying our welcome. Asmira told us how Bosnians joke and say:

We are going to bed so that the guests can go home.

It sounded much better when she said it but what I'm going to say is that my evening was redeemed by Asmira's hospitality. Thanks woman and my apologies to Hazira for a rather intense ride...

I'm pretty much pain free -- another valuable realization from yesterday's experience.

The Littler Waiting Room

I'm so gullible. I went to an acupressure workshop and the chiropractor's office kept contacting me to come in for an acupressure session which I was looking forward to. I thought it would be a nice Friday evening treat.

I get there and I wait and I wait. I toy with the idea of leaving when someone comes to tell me that they are sorry for the delay. I wait more. I finally get taken back to a room and I think of that Seinfeld episode where you think you've made progress only you get taken back to a smaller room to wait even more.

I think I waited for about an hour and a half and ended up with about two minutes of an acupressure session then was told that the vertebrae in my neck are out of alignment and that is what is causing my shoulder discomfort. Really? Seriously? In addition, I can come in for x-rays in order to really ascertain the situation.

I'm so mad at myself and can't believe how naive I can be. What a waste of my time...

Scene from The Ex-Girlfriend Episode of Seinfeld

JERRY: Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting room." There's no chance of not waiting, 'cause they call it the waiting

room, they're going to use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're

reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about them things like "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm

getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other

people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No.

You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting room...

How To Say Goodbye

I don't do Weight Watchers -- never have -- for some reason but, of course, I saw quite a few posts about the new points system.

This title caught my attention recently:

Outrage: Weight Watchers forces us to eat fruit!

The company rolls out a smart new diet plan with more emphasis on health -- and a furor ensues

I really dug the ending of the "outrage" article by Mary Elizabeth Williams, a Salon magazine writer.

We have a lifelong relationship with our bodies, and like love, that relationship is healthier when we put good things into it. And like love, sometimes that takes thought and effort. Yet the basic notions of more apples, fewer cookies and stopping when you're full that Weight Watchers are embracing makes a lot of common sense. Common sense is still there in all of us -- right there in our guts next to the Sabor de Soledad -- and if we take the time to respect and listen that wisdom, it will reward us in ways that, unlike a weekly points system, are incalculable.

And speaking of Mary Elizabeth Williams, she really hit the ball out of the park with her article Elizabeth Edwards: Don't call it "losing" to cancer which she wrote yesterday morning before Edwards died and I thought Edwards' last epistle to the world was profound and I was deeply moved:

I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that...

What a gracious way to say goodbye; so glad that she had time...

Overheard at the Pool

I've had a real swimming jones of late and I'm happy to report that my front crawl breathing is getting better. I was able to swim 200 yards (not consecutively) without pulling up. In honor of my success in the water, here are things that I've overheard at the pool.

Father to son at pool: Move your arms in wide circles.

Son: I'll go down.

Father: I won't let you go down.

Father to son at pool: I'm ready when you are; feet all the way to the edge.

Son: (Sound of jumping then peals of laughter.)

Just because it's hard doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, Same father to son.

I'm the boss, Father to son before the father's two quick laps before the start of swimming lessons.

Swimming instructor: You're eight years old. You're a strong boy. You've stopped three times. Go. Go. Go.

Son to father about swimming: I don't think I'm made for this.

Father to son: Kick your legs and move your arms in a circle. If your head goes underwater, breathe out of your nose.

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to swim, a man at the pool with limited vision.

How do we swim?, Teacher

Streamlined., Her two students

(The teacher played a game with her students. Every time she said streamline they were to raise their arms straight up in the air.)

We’re going to rock and roll but only our shoulders.

Same teacher re: the backstroke.

Instructor to kid on diving board: I need to see your toes. I need to see your toes. I see your toes.


Kid then uses toes to head in the other direction.

Father to son, Number one: don't breathe too much...

Father to son: Streamline. One then the other. Never put both arms down at the same time. Any questions?

Father to son: You streamline with the backstroke too but instead of looking down, you look up.

Definition provided by recreation center: open swim means that the rec area, slide... and lazy river are available to children and adults for play.

What happiness do you have to report?

Stuff People Say To Me

I'm in a size 10 and they are getting tight; I don't want to go up to a size 12. I started going to the gym. I'm also going to try the cabbage diet and see what I can take off in two weeks with exercise and diet...

That's ridiculous. One my colleagues when I told her that I had spent 80 minutes at the gym the previous night in order to stave off hibernation syndrome

If you're not losing any weight, why do you need to buy new winter tops? Hazira, one of my friends

I've gained 50 pounds but I'm happy. I'm too busy to cook and, when I'm on the go, I eat fast food. I know that I shouldn't eat fast food but Iranian food takes two to three hours to cook....I'm not small but I'm not too big. I'm still at the point where I enjoy dressing up.

Nice teamwork. Sophie to me after I did some drumming on Patti's forearms after she tackled The Gift of Flight a.k.a The Forearm-Killing route.

There's a Groupon for an advanced rock climbing technique class. A hint? from Patti

I have gray matter. I just don't use it. I'm so into my body.

I drink a gallon of water a day -- not because I like water but because my coach tells me that I need to...You need to drink more water.

Thanksgiving is not really that big of a deal to me. I think we should be thankful every day. Also, people see Thanksgiving as an opportunity to be a glutton and I don't do gluttony. A grappler, stepper and yogi.

Anyone said any interesting stuff to you lately?

Being 'Drea

There's this part of Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project that continues to stick with me. Well, there are quite a few parts of her book that stick with me including the cut people slack portion of the program.

Rubin talks about accepting true likes and dislikes and how that acceptance frees you up to do other things. In embracing true likes and dislikes, Rubin lists things she'll never do.

But I have to admit it -- being Gretchen and accepting my true likes and dislikes bring me a kind of sadness. I will never visit a jazz club at midnight, hang out in artists' studios, jet off to Paris for the weekend, or pack up to go fly-fishing on a spring dawn... 122

Of course, I think this is an exercise you have to be careful with because you don't want to put something out there that you might potentially want to do and then you've mentally and verbally put the kibosh on it -- not cool.

Having said that, here's my list of things that, although I might like them, will probably never happen in 'Drea's world:

Girly Girlishness

Hooping It Up Professional Basketball-Style

Replacing Rick Steves

Synchronized Swimming

Hurrying about in The Amazing Race

Frequenting Parties

Amusement Park Enthusiast

Sewing or Crocheting Competently

Mastering Trilingualism

Walking a Wire Professionally

What are some of your true likes?

...I realized that just as clearing away my nostalgic clutter and my aspirational clutter in January had opened up more space for the possessions I really use in the present, relinquishing my fantasies of what I wished I found fun allowed me more room to do the things that I did find fun. Why worry about jazz clubs when I really wanted to design my own Book of Hours? Be Gretchen. (126)