Hot Potatoes

Instead of being bummed out about not being able to travel home for Thanksgiving, one of my friends sat down and wrote a list of people that she was grateful for. She wrote that it helped to listen to Natalie Merchant's Kind and Generous while writing such a list.

I'd never heard of Merchant so went to check out the song and it's beautiful. The timing of seeing this friend's social media message was interesting because I have profound gratitude for a gift that she gave me and I have the urge to thank her again...and again and I wondered if there was such a thing as over-thanking... 

Being the primary caregiver for someone is a very lonely experience -- even when you have people that provide relief along the way. 

On a recent walk, I listened to the This Species Moment  episode of On Being and it made me feel less alone in that moment:

Even when we’re by ourselves spatially, like sitting in a room, our thoughts are filled with others; our bodies are even potentially carrying the skin cells of others and a variety of other things...

One of my paternal aunts took care of four really sick people in her lifetime and I'm not sure how she pulled it off...

Sunday didn't go as planned so I wasn't sure what would be for lunch at the beginning of the week. Don't think that I even had oatmeal which I will sometimes eat for lunch. Walked up to my porch and saw a package at the door. As I looked through the bag of snacks and croissant toast (never heard of it), I picked up a foil package and it was a hot potato and I almost wept. The package was from my timely and thoughtful neighbor. 

Something Wild

Recently had a split on my bottom lip. The last time that I had an issue with my lip was many years ago when I had a reaction to a certain seafood. The first hole in my ear was inflamed. I've had bumps on my cheekbone, biceps tendonitis (maybe) and tight rhomboids. Plus, I did too many hip openers during yoga and that left me barely able to walk.

Had so much going on that I pulled out The Body Keeps The Score which I read during yoga teacher training. All in all, I should be grateful for all of the times when my body is not keeping the score...

I often admire the tulips at a local park and at the botanical garden and decided to do something wild like ordering tulip bulbs. Thank goodness for YouTube. I was going to try to dig the designated area with a trowel but went with a shovel after watching a few how-to videos. 

It was so gratifying digging my little area and when I saw a few wriggling worms, it made me think of how my grandmother would dig for fishing worms. 

Speaking of my grandmother, my aunt shared a picture that one of my cousins forwarded to her of my grandmother and another cousin. In the picture, my cousin's face is so soft and it made me think of how much my grandmother loved him and also how much my grandmother loved me and how much I miss her. 

Wore a "Day of the Dead' mask to work and a co-worker who speaks mostly Spanish showed me a picture of an altar that she'd made for her husband. The altar was beautiful and I'm considering doing something similar next year. I'm not one for visiting a cemetery but this seems like an appropriate way to honor the dead. Thank you Gingerzingi for making this mask for me. 

Another Round

I've been doing yoga almost daily and my body is still cranky, but I also haven't had bodywork since early in the year. 

I intensely miss seeing people outside of my bubble so my body isn’t the only thing that’s cranky.

I'm on the mailing list of this restorative yoga teacher and she's offering a savasana the day before the election and she also mentioned that she's been practicing restorative a lot lately and it dawned on me that that's why I'm doing a lot of restorative yoga. Honestly, I think that I'd be totally dysfunctional without yoga right now. The stress is still there but it would be worse. 

I was thinking about the toll that this current toxic stew has taken on people's health... I remember reading that more people have heart attacks on Monday. Can't even imagine what's going on now...

Went for a walk with my cousin yesterday and she talked about how she'd read how being outside makes you feel better and that she said that her mood really is elevated when she gets out. 

Posted this "fall vibes" picture and a friend left a message saying that she had been in the park and when I talked to her, found out that she was in the park at the exact same time -- wish that I had known...

Knew that Barrett was going to be confirmed but it didn't make it any less upsetting -- especially when I saw this nonsense.

Got off Twitter and went to do another round of restorative yoga.

The Singer's Name

Met with an out-of-town friend last Monday. As we negotiated plans, she asked me where I wanted to meet and I listed a couple of options and described one place as one where I loved to walk and she wrote, "Let's do the walk you love." Seeing that sentence immediately changed my mood and made me smile. 

From now on, I am requesting that all talks about meeting up, end this way. Just kidding... 

We went for a walk and we both had our masks on and, wow, walking without a mask -- I miss that. 

This relationship with this friend is a reminder to embrace serendipity. It has also been a lesson in living a balanced life... 

I was thinking about a friend and former coworker on Monday. Was working from home yesterday but needed to print some things so I headed to the office at an odd time. Went by a community garden that this friend belongs to but she's not usually there on Wednesdays.  Spotted her car, pulled over and grabbed my mask so that I could chit chat... Most of the sunflowers are gone but she still had zinnias and gave me a bouquet of zinnia and lavender -- a moment of delight in a world that makes little sense right now. 

The garden has tons of other things. In fact, a man gave me red chili peppers. Saw tomatoes too but I guess that sunflowers were special to me because the goldfinches loved them. 

My other synchronous moment happened last Friday. Met a friend in the park for yoga. In the morning a singer popped into my head and I shared lyrics from one of her songs and mentioned the singer again at the end of class -- not even knowing what was up with my repetition. 

Noticed my friend pause at the mention of the singer but I've learned not to make assumptions while people practice yoga. The next morning she messaged me to say that she had been thinking about names for her puppy and it was a variation of the singer's name. 

Balcony or Not

Didn't feel like doing anything for my birthday but one of my aunts kept pushing for a celebration of some fashion so a handful of us got together and spaced out. We had French onion soup, salad and other sides and I was having a good time until...

my iPod kept showing alerts and, damn, Ruth Bader Ginsburg is no more. My aunt is a retired nurse so, of course, she came from the underlying issues perspective and, as others have said, our democracy should not have to rely on one Supreme Court judge.

This aunt also likes to make collages. The one picture in particular that I kept staring at was my baby picture. Life is hard right now but I kept thinking that that baby has come a long way and has had a relatively safe journey...

So far, I've canceled two memberships and have taken my walking up a notch. When I walk now, though, I find myself looking at people with balconies, side porches and stand-alone sun porches. I find myself coveting these spaces and think about how nice it would be to sit on a balcony while reading. In my fantasy space, I also think about doing yoga. 

And, yoga... If I get to practice at night, I count my lucky stars because in my current role as caretaker, it doesn't always happen. So, in the end, I guess it doesn't matter if have a balcony or not...

Sent a birthday card to the yoga teacher that I went on the retreat with when 45 won the election. Knowing what I know now about teaching yoga, I thanked her for the class that she led the morning after. It was a difficult task and she was able to pull herself together even though there were several of us sobbing. 

She had also been thinking about that day in Negril and said that 45 turned out to be a million times worse than she'd imagined and she talked about her privilege in taking the stance that she did but I told her that he had also turned out worse than I'd expected...

Listened to The Good German episode of Gaslit Nation and Sarah Kendzior and Andrea Chalupa are not surprised, at all, about 45.

Kendzior was on point on when she said that autocracy and fascism ends badly for everyone except a few profiteers and earlier in the episode when she talks about the depth of heartlessness. 

About The Sunflowers

On July 31st ended up at the DMV renewing my tags because I had forgotten that they were due and, because of COVID-19, lines were outside. This woman asked me what I was having done and I told her and she said that the line for license renewal was on the other side and that line only had one person in it. 

What made her say something to me? She was my angel for the day...

In addition to COVID-19, racism and the climate crisis, life is even more difficult for me because of work and home. I'm pretty sure that I am not the only one in this predicament but, yeah, very little is soft or enjoyable right now. 

Before life really turned bizarre, I agreed to participate in my yoga studio's third anniversary celebration this past Friday. The teachers taught relay style and I was the final one and played singing bowls and led the class out of savasana.

One of the teachers did laughing yoga and a teachers two spots away from me was laughing so hard that it made me laugh and, at one point, I looked up at the little tree next to me and the sky, and I was able to really lighten up and relax. 

After class was over with, I heard this mariachi band and I thought, "It's a night for a music" and then I saw a guy round the corner with sunflowers and realized that he was about to propose to one of the yoga teachers. It was kind of a magical night and the other part that made my day was a yoga teacher who approached me with her daughter who told me how much she enjoyed the singing bowls. As the 'Fugee would say, it melted my heart...

Went to Cahokia Mounds to walk with my cousin today and as we climbed the stairs, this woman asked us if we knew about the sunflowers. Sunflowers, what? I knew about the sunflower field in St. Louis but not in Illinois. So, of course, we went. 

What is it about sunflowers that are so delightful? Why did that woman ask my cousin and me? I love everyday angels. Also, my cousin and I had walked at different locations previously. Had we not changed venues, we might not have found out about the sunflowers. 

Cheer

Was half-asleep on Friday night when I noticed someone mixing vodka in a singing bowl.

Mentioned my "dream" to the 'Fugee and she said it was if my singing bowls were drunk. Had I imagined it? I have been playing singing bowls at night soooo...

Anyway, I couldn't get the imagine out of my head and I finally found the very short commercial...



Decided to tackle the bathtub caulking on Saturday, ugh. Haven't done it in awhile and my arm was smarting by the time that I got the old caulk off. Even though I bought painter's tape, didn't use it initially but I quickly stopped and went to retrieve it. Got more caulk on the tape but it definitely produced better results than the first part that I tried to freestyle.

Stopped to cook then applied the new caulk. What to say? I did the best job that I could do. Super tired of the do it yourself way but don't have anyone else who's going to do it for me.

Decided to get a new shower curtain that I think is cheerful as I could use some cheer.

Not The Better Thing

I keep thinking about this woman on Twitter who pondered the reason why George Floyd's death has been such a watershed event. She speculated that it was the method of execution as we have become so accustomed to gun deaths...

Like others, I am trying to live my life, trying to do my self-care rituals and work in the midst of the twin pandemics -- COVID-19 and racism...

About two weeks ago, I received an amazing gift that made me think about Seinfeld, "What is this salty discharge coming from my eyes?" The gift also made me feel like I could go out into the world and be a better person. I also saw it as a sign of better things to come...

Because of lay-offs, I am alone in my department at work (not the better thing). Took PTO days because I was almost over the limit and, when I returned to the office, had a new office mate and then another one. It was one of the crappiest feelings -- not having time to grieve. It is, technically, okay to have this arrangement as the people who are now in my office have sneeze guards around their desks but knowing that I'm in a higher risk group, it's not a nice feeling to have the population in my office increase, especially since they are not here to help me.

Noticed water leaking in the basement and thought, "Aw, shit; the ancient pipes are ready to blow." The day before a plumber was scheduled to come out my next-door neighbor, who likes to thrift shop, went to someone's house to pick up planters and it was the woman who grew up in my house. She showed my neighbor a painting of my house that someone, who was across the street convalescing, painted decades ago.

Getting a picture of this painting was my sign that everything was going to be alright. The pipes hadn't sprung a leak but the caulking needs to be redone on the tub. It's another thing to put on the to-do list but more manageable than having to get new pipes. Actually went to Lowe's and couldn't find everything that I needed and walked out of the store empty-handed...

I was listening to this episode, Anti-racism and Allyship, of Yogaland podcast and this woman talked about how the Black community is in grieving and that is has been a cyclical pattern of grief and there it is --exactly how I feel. Could not put my finger on it -- why I felt like I was an airplane in an eternal holding pattern. Why people get on my nerves who respond, "I'm good."

It's grief.

Wild

As someone on Twitter wrote last night, "This episode of America is wild."

Levity in the face of the unimaginable horror. Barely got a chance to get over the slaughter of Ahmaud Arbery when Amy Cooper screeched that she was going to call the police and tell them that an African American man was threatening her life and then the incomprehensible happened again -- George Floyd was executed on-the-spot for an alleged $20 forgery.

Years ago, I accidentally ran over a baby bunny while taking the trash cart out to the curb. It made me so sad. I, obviously, didn't mean to do it but I was horrified. On Give STL Day, it never fails that the dog rescue organization tops the leaderboard. This year they received $113,000 dollars in donations.

How is it that Floyd didn't even get the consideration that we give to dogs? And the kicker was that the killer walked free, initially, despite the video evidence. I cannot get over the smug and casual look on the officer's face as he has his hand in his pockets and his full grown-ass-man body weight on Floyd's neck for 8 minutes and 45 seconds while Floyd is face down, handcuffed and on his stomach pleading for his life. How fucking cruel can a person be?

In a CBS interview, Christian Cooper said that Amy Cooper pulled the pin on the race grenade. 

When you realize how many black people, including adolescents, that have been murdered by trigger happy police officers, it's unfathomable. As someone pointed out, black people have been shot while eating ice cream, shot while sleeping, shot while jogging and the list goes on. 

And the utter police brutality seen during the recent protests... At least seven people lost their vision because of rubber bullets. Police officers pushing over women and old people. Just a bunch of thugs. 

I remember weeping while reading Anthony Ray Hinton's book, The Sun Does Shine. One of the cops told him if he wasn't the killer that another black person had done it so he was still guilty. It made no difference to the cop. So, here we are, almost 401 years after the first slaves arrived in Virginia -- and black people are guilty of being forcibly brought to this country? For building America? 

What a mess.

Keep Pedaling

Posted this polyglot video to my IG stories which resulted in me chit-chatting with someone that I newly know and told her that I regretted not following through on Spanish in high school and she genuinely made me laugh out loud when she responded that she had a lot of high school regrets.

Her comment just reminded me that we're never the only one who experienced or are experiencing something...

Since rain is on tap for almost every day next week, hefted my bike out of the basement, put on sunscreen and headed to the riverfront.

It was not a long ride -- just enough for me to stretch my legs and also give them a pep talk -- Keep going; keep pedaling.

It's kind of funny. I was thinking about a time that Alison and I were biking and she so easily spotted these turtles. When I looked at my pictures when I got home, was surprised to see the turtle in the second picture.

On my way to the riverfront, listened to my next to last episode of Floodlines. Hope that a book is forthcoming.

More Attention

Salvia

Because I've been walking more, I've paid more attention to how spring unfolds: crocuses, forsythia, daffodils, hyacinths, tulips, red bud trees, irises, peonies.

Thought that I was going  to have so much time to unclutter and organize and I do have more time but the spirit is not willing.

Find myself loosening my grip on the nightly meditation sessions and the Saturday dharma talk that I had been tuning into but I'm still doing Zoom-ba and yoga almost daily.

On Saturday, drove my mother's car to a suburb since I had to jump start it. My mother has an older-ish car so I'm unable to hook up my iPod so I turned the radio to NPR. Haven't listened to Snap Judgement in ages; the Mother's Day Special was on and the part about the mother who made her own Ebola suit was inspiring...

Allium

I also just listened to Give It To Me Straight, Doc on Michael Moore's Rumble podcast and that was helpful.

I've tried a couple of new recipes, including a Sweet Potato Chickpea Buddha Bowl from
The Minimalist Baker.  It's my kind of bowl. Will tinker with it next time -- adding, possibly, mushrooms, making the sauce thinner -- maybe different. I also liked adding a little hot sauce to it.

Oh yeah, my bowl ended up not being vegetarian as I added grilled chicken...

I'm currently reading Driving Over Lemons. I get into these non-fiction zones and that's where I'm at right now.

I also listened to the sweetest New York Times' The Daily podcast with Rick Steves. He keeps "marijuana" journals and he read from one during this episode and it made me laugh out loud. Speaking of marijuana, I keep thinking about Jamaica.

Stickyweed a.k.a. Catchweed a.k.a. all over the yard...

All in all, trying to be vigilant about wearing masks, hand-washing, wiping down surfaces and not touching my face. You know, trying to keep the virus at bay.

I think that it was Ibram X. Kendi who talked about the murder of Ahmaud Arbery and the virus of racism. I keep having to check the calendar but it does not feel like 2020.

Roads Less Traveled

Route to Evade

Participated in my first birthday parade. One of my yoga classmates’ birthday was on Tuesday so some of us met last Sunday to drive through her cul-de-sac to wish her a happy birthday...

As we gathered on the parking lot, even our cars physically distancing, had a strange sensation that I had recently met with my classmates then remembered that we had been on a Zoom call...

One of the most endearing things that I've seen has been yoga teachers who haven't done live social media. It's so sweet to see them watch the screen and go, "I don't know if this is on. My son set it up for me" or the ones who are like, "I'm not going to touch this thing in case I disconnect everyone."

Roxane Gay also had me chuckling. She announced on Twitter that she was giving out $1,000 dollars in one hundred dollar increments and she encouraged people to send their Venmo information with a caveat, I'm old and I don't read those bar codes." Also cool was the fact that others stepped in when they saw what she was doing...

There's a Zumba teacher that I've been able to reconnect with since gyms shut down. She recommended this other teacher, Rawlins Apilado, for a kickboxing and kettlebell class.

Because it was an Instagram Live class, I wanted to look into it before it disappeared. I did about twenty minutes and enjoyed it. It was definitely nice to swing the kettlebell again.

Went for my first bike ride of 2020 on Saturday and the struggle was real. Maybe my first outing should not have been on an 80-degree day. I also wore a mask but don't think there was a need because not a lot of cyclists were out...

Only 'fro on this stretch of the road...

Cut the grass today against my will. It's been less than two weeks since I cut it but the rain has been generous. I know, April showers.

Dislocated

Thursday's Clouds

Noticed a Saturday morning yoga class would be held on Zoom by one of the yoga accounts that I follow on Instagram so I made a point to do yoga at 10:00 a.m. but almost wished that I had gone with the 10:00 a.m. Zumba class when I realized, around 1 p.m., that I'd only taken about 300 steps.

It rained just about all day so I pulled out my workout DVDs and started with a Jackie Warner 15 minute workout that was seriously taxing.

Whenever I went to the gym for Zumba, I had to pass people working on weight machines and I kept telling myself that I needed to get back into strength training and the 15-Minute total body circuit included weights, which I didn't remember. It did  feel good doing something very different from what I've been doing the last couple of years...

While on Twitter, saw a Mental Floss posting about activities that you can do at home so I took a delightful art class for kids of all ages. Drawing is definitely not a talent that I possess but I enjoyed the class that I selected...


Here's another poem that my colleague shared with me:

By Garous Abdolmalekian

Translated from Persian by Ahmad Nadalizadeh and Idra Novey

Even your name

I have doubts about
and about the trees
about their branches, if perhaps
they are roots
and we have been living
all these years underground.

Who has dislocated the world?
and why are birds circling in our stomachs?
Why does a pill defer my birth?
For years we’ve been living underground
and perhaps
on a day in my seventies I’ll be born
and feel that death
is a shirt we all come to put on,
whose buttons we can either fasten
or leave undone…
a man may roll up his sleeves
or he might…

I am
a captive man’s conjectures
about the seasons behind the wall.

Inclining the Heart

Lately, on the weekend, hunger is the thing that drives me out of bed.

Made pancakes and also this dalgano coffee that has been popping up in folks' Instagram feeds. It might have been the really expired instant coffee or maybe my tablespoons were on the heaping side but I didn't really care for coffee concoction.

Felt lethargic so I returned to bed and listened to a guide meditation by Anushka Fernandupolle who's doing the meditations and dharma talks on Saturdays during the pandemic. I actually missed the live meditation but, luckily, Instagram keeps them up for 24 hours.

Fernandupolle's talk was on equanimity. There were many parts that I found useful, including something that she said you can tell yourself during fearful situations:

May I meet this moment with ease and balance; it might not work but you are inclining the heart in that direction. 

Also:

Joy is beneficial for people who are struggling...connecting with joy is positive...is balance.

I totally fell asleep during the meditation but managed to stay alert for most of the dharma talk...

Went to a local park which has beautiful displays of tulips. The county parks have closed but the city mayor is trusting people to keep their distance.

The park with the tulips has actually stopped car traffic from entering to help with physical distancing... Actually, there weren't a lot of people in the park. Might have been the time that I went or it might have been the fact that it felt fall-ish...

On the energy side, feeling more like myself this afternoon.

Life Is Happening

Sent one of my friends a link to a meditation session on Zoom. Shortly thereafter, clicked on the meeting and I was the only one at the meeting when it finally dawned on me that it was Wednesday and not Tuesday.

Tried to participate in a restorative yoga class on Thursday and the host kicked me out. Okay, who knows what she thought but it made me think that I should stick to local teachers.

Went for a walk the other day and saw a jogger with a mask plus two walkers with masks. Walking about while people are practicing physical distancing doesn't bother me but I will don a mask for trips to the grocery store from here on out.

Participated in a Instagram Live meditation with Anushka Fernandopulle this morning and, after the mediation, she talked about how people might be angry at a non-human entity while others might be glad that life has slowed down...

Saw someone post the other day that your life is happening -- it doesn't matter that we're sheltering in place and, as such, I decided to cut the grass.

As I headed to the backyard, thought about what my uncle said about putting fresh gasoline in with the old so I headed to the gas station. Got back and forgot that the thingy that secures the bolt on one arm of the lawnmower was missing. Thankfully, my refurbished lawnmower started up and I was able to take care of my hybrid lawn even with having to pause, occasionally, to put the bolt back in...

These tweets resonated with me:

And this poem that my colleague shared certainly moved me:

By Cyrus Cassells

Still craving a robust

Tenderness and justice,

I will go on living

With all I have seen:

Young men lusterless;

Against my blind cheek—

Blessed be the frangible

And dying,

The irreplaceable dead—

In my crestfallen arms:

With breath,

Then without it,

With flesh,

Then freed of it—

And the indurate man I heard

Condemn the stricken,

While my cousin was dying,

If he had walked these wards,

Armorless, open

To the imperiled,

Surely he would have gleaned

To sit in judgment

Is to sit in hell—

Lesions, elegies,

Disconnected phones—

Rain, nimble rain,

Be anodyne,

Anoint me when I say outright:

In the plague time, my heart

Was tested,

My living soul

Struck like a tower bell,

Once, twice,

four times in a single season.

Same Boat

Someone tagged me the other day to let me know that a Zumba teacher would do a Zoom class. It was cool to see people's faces that I haven't laid eyes on in a while. It was also weird to see people jumping around in individual boxes. Couldn't figure out how to "pin the host" but I'm assuming that I will get more familiar with Zoom.

It felt really weird at first but then I just relaxed and it was nice to get in a workout that wasn't walking.

One day I found myself thinking, I'm tired of walking but I quickly turned that thought around to I'm grateful that I have the ability to walk.

Left Zoom Zumba to attend an Instagram Live yoga class with Seane Corn. Sunday was so nice that it felt like a crime not to emerge from the basement to get outside and soak up the sun...

When I went to the grocery story about three weeks ago, this woman wished me "good luck" because everything had been picked over. It instantly made me think about preppers and a reality TV show that I'd watched on Netflix. Only watched one episode because I found it bothersome...

Thought about the workshop, Yoga As A Peace Practice, when one of the presenters said that you need to know how to grow your own food. This pandemic has been a lesson in many things, including not endlessly keeping food in the freezer.

Anyway, life is weird and scary right now, but I definitely know that many of us are in the same boat so I try not to panic. I continue with my pre-bed ritual of listening to 10 Percent Happier Live with meditation teachers. I get into a restorative posture and listen and breathe and it helps lighten the load that feels like it's weighing down my chest and heart.

One of my coworkers has been sending little notes of encouragement and, sometimes, poems.

I love this one that she shared:

Alive Together

Speaking of marvels, I am alive
together with you, when I might have been
alive with anyone under the sun,
when I might have been Abelard’s woman
or the whore of a Renaissance pope
or a peasant wife with not enough food
and not enough love, with my children
dead of the plague. I might have slept
in an alcove next to the man
with the golden nose, who poked it
into the business of stars,
or sewn a starry flag
for a general with wooden teeth.
I might have been the exemplary Pocahontas
or a woman without a name
weeping in Master’s bed
for my husband, exchanged for a mule,
my daughter, lost in a drunken bet.
I might have been stretched on a totem pole
to appease a vindictive god
or left, a useless girl-child,
to die on a cliff. I like to think
I might have been Mary Shelley
in love with a wrongheaded angel,
or Mary’s friend, I might have been you.
This poem is endless, the odds against us are endless,
our chances of being alive together
statistically nonexistent;
still we have made it, alive in a time
when rationalists in square hats
and hatless Jehovah’s Witnesses
agree it is almost over,
alive with our lively children
who–but for endless ifs–
might have missed out on being alive
together with marvels and follies
and longings and lies and wishes
and error and humor and mercy
and journeys and voices and faces
and colors and summers and mornings
and knowledge and tears and chance.

 “Alive Together” by Lisel Mueller from Alive Together. © Louisiana State University Oress.

14 Days Ago

Last weekend marked my one-year anniversary of graduating from yoga teacher training. I have no regrets...

What to say?  A lot has changed in the 14 days since I last posted. As with most cities, just about everything is on shut down.

Up until last Wednesday, I had not heard of Zoom and now that's all I hear about. Many yoga teachers have headed online as they try to salvage their businesses.

I had planned to take a couple of PTO days before everything got super scary and, as usual, my days off are usually dedicated to getting some task taken care of. My car needed rear brakes and I kept losing air in a tire etc. The chimney also needed work. Kept thinking that maybe I should have postponed the chimney repair but it's done now.

In addition to daily yoga, I've been ending my evenings by getting into a restorative posture while listening to a guided mediation provided by the folks at 10% Happier.

I'm also trying to take the hand-washing as a moment to breathe a little deeper.

I read somewhere that the world as we know it has changed. Ain't that the truth?

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Brené Brown (@brenebrown) on Mar 21, 2020 at 7:22pm PDT

Rolling Out

Alison usually goes with me to Art in Bloom but she was camping. I had also invited an aunt and her friend. The friend couldn't go and my aunt called to say that she had had a doozy of a week and didn't want to go. I invited one more person and when that didn't pan out, decided to go by myself.

Surprisingly, I left the house at 11:00 a.m. and it turned out to be a good time as I was able to park relatively close. Plus, the museum wasn't packed. I got a  map and slowly worked my way through the museum.

People were in a good mood the way they are when on vacation. Ran into a few people that I know and think that I saw just about every floral arrangement. Art in Bloom turned out to be a good way to decompress.

Afterward... did yard work, picked up my bike, went to the grocery store, cleaned the fish tank, washed and braided my hair. It was a full Saturday...

Rolled out today and went to one of the fancier locations of my climbing gym because they had $5 dollar passes for women in honor of International Women's Day.  It was so nice to have a wider variety of routes and to be in a more spacious gym...

A few of my faves from Art in Bloom.

Accidental hue as my camera's got shifted as I juggled belongings.

Tanking...

In an effort to not sink into despair, I've visited the orchid show three times and I just finished reading Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion.

A little over a month ago, I agreed to sub for a yoga class at the studio where I took my training. It's amazing how you feel somewhat competent and how you feel that you have plenty of time to prepare and then a  month turns into hours and then it turns into go-time.

When I got to the studio, checked the roster then set-up. It was comforting to know that one of my YTT classmates, Camille, would attend. Camille showed up with a mini bouquet and that's so Camille -- very thoughtful...

It definitely was not the smoothest class that I've taught. I struggled with describing a prop placement and I failed to realize that I had chosen a playlist that was too short. Camille was reassuring and when I got back in my car, the Super Soul Conversations podcast with Amy Schumer was right at the point where Oprah asks Amy Schumer if she's ever tanked and Schumer says absolutely:

"You have to do bad to do better...You have to realize all of your fears on stage...I have no fears anymore because they all came true...You get better when you work hard; there's no exceptions to that..."

The micro bouquet that Camille brought...

Moments Of...

Signed up for a book discussion of Skill in Action this past Friday but when Friday arrived, I  questioned my sanity for signing up for a 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. event at the end of the week.

Would have felt guilty for not going and, therefore, not giving that space to someone else who might have wanted it so gathered my belongings and headed to the yoga studio hosting the event.

On the one hand, I regretted not signing up for the entire weekend. On the other hand, I know how fatigued the work week leaves me...

Listened to Lesson 19 from the Sharon Salzberg's Meditation Challenge. I've been so angry lately which made me pay closer attention as I listened while washing dishes.

Anger for example is not simply anger. It's moments of fear, moments of sadness, moments of frustrations, moments of helplessness.

These are concepts that I've heard before but, of course, when you're caught up in something it's difficult to think rationally...

Was not feeling very motivated on Saturday but pulled myself together because the weather was so nice. Went to the Orchid Show at the botanical guard then just walked around the garden for an hour and felt more like myself.

Also walked on Sunday plus tried to get on top of the weed situation in the backyard before things start flowering and that was very satisfying as well...

To Swim or Not To Swim

Did Qigong at work on Friday. It was my second time doing a session with an instructor and I felt relaxed afterward. Didn't come home for lunch because of the Qigong and realized how lucky I am to work close to home. The day felt extraordinarily long without my usual trip home...

Didn't feel like I had an ounce of energy today but I also didn't want to sit around the house all day so I went swimming after not having gone for two weeks. Saw the retired math teacher, Dale, who responded with a W.C. Fields quote after I responded to his inquiry about how I was doing. He then went on to tell me a joke about two camels who ate a comedian -- he tasted funny, said one camel. 

Asked the lifeguard if she'd seen my Fitbit. She looked in the safe and on the message/cork board which has tons of earrings and whatnot but there was no sign of my Fitbit. She went on to tell me how she'd changed her Apple watch band to a magnetic one because the original band was ill-fitting and the watch had slipped off her wrist several times. The lifeguard also told me how she'd cracked the screen several times. 

Oh well, I like my new Fitbit and hope to have it for several years as the Inspire feels more secure on my arm.

To Anchor

Guess the best way to describe how I've been feeling is shaken or, in today's parlance, shook.

Life has been interesting. Had an emotional conversation with a customer who said that our paid contractors complete the circle.

And yet another paid contractor brought me something for Chinese New Year with a poignant story about the red envelopes.

I've read that the red envelopes contain money to, literally, anchor the year.

Also, don't listen to This American Life much but I did listen to the episode The Show of Delights and it was, well, delightful. Should have known that Ross Gay would be on there. Tried to read his book last year but wasn't able to finish it. I definitely enjoyed him reading segments from the book on the podcast though.

A Beautiful Table

A couple of weeks ago made plans to meet Asmira on Friday but when the day rolled around, I felt exhausted but went anyway.

Asmira always sets a beautiful table. We ate and caught up and I was surprised when she expressed the same sentiment that I had been thinking earlier in the day about -- walking away from "it" all. Seriously, I just wanted to throw my hands up in defeat...

Had an Instagram message from one of my classmates about collaborating on a project in response to a violent and chaotic week. She wanted to take counteractive measures.

It was surreal interacting with two people who were experiencing the same level of intensity, frustration and sadness that I was experiencing...

In fact, my whole right side was aching from my IT band to my neck.

Stayed at home up until 1 on Saturday when I went in search of lunch and left the house again to attend a sound/yoga event.  It was a packed opening day event so really no room for any intense yoga. My body and mind felt better afterwards.

Totally thought this was coconut on top...

Asmira also told me that her Fitbit had fallen off five times before she lost it for good. So, in all things, we are not alone even though it feels that way at times.